As I stood in the bathroom staring down at the test in my hand, the two lines told me that my life and my husband’s life would never be the same. I was sure that if God was going to allow us to have a baby at this point in our lives, He must have made some very serious mistake.
Planning has never really been my thing. I cannot tell you what outfit I will put on in the morning, nor can I tell you what my plans for tomorrow will be. Life has always been more appealing to me when the insignificant details of the future are unknown.
However, going into my senior year of college, I had the big events of the next 10 years decided. I would graduate in May, find a job in the same community as my college, work to establish my career and have my caring husband by my side the whole way. Then, we would start a family.
Evidently, I forgot to check with God to see what His plans were. I never thought to discuss what I had in mind because the plan seemed so perfect to me. In my forgetfulness, He needed to remind me who was in control of my life. A minor car accident might have done the trick for a short while, but a child would be a permanent reminder.
On that day in August, less than two weeks before beginning my senior year of college, I learned that a baby would be in my near future. The fear that flooded over me was like nothing I had ever felt. Tears and shaking became uncontrollable; I ran to show my husband the positive test. He was as calm as I was terrified, and he said his three favorite words, “It’ll be okay.” I was far too irrational to believe him.
Even my parents could not convince me that my life would not be a disaster. I had a million reasons why now was a bad time to have a baby. We have no money, our house is too small, and our dogs are too big. We were just not ready. In calmer moments, I knew that I should consider myself fortunate. I attended high school with many girls who faced pregnancy as single teenagers without knowing which guys fathered their babies. I also know of women who try to have a baby for years without success. Yet fear was still gripping me.
I was finally able to accept that a child was growing inside of me when I thought I was going to lose the baby. After nearly a week of stabbing side pains and severe lower back pain, I called a doctor. My symptoms could be signs of an ectopic pregnancy, and the doctor said I needed to go to the emergency room. An ectopic pregnancy often ends in a miscarriage. The fear that I felt, realizing I could lose the baby, was every bit as strong as my initial fear of having a child.
Relief swept over me when I learned that the baby was developing just as she should. Seeing her for the first time during the ultrasound was an indescribable feeling; I could handle having a baby any time!
Shortly after my trip to the hospital, I heard Proverbs 19:21, “Many are the plans in a human’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails” (TNIV). God planned for me to have a baby at this point in my life; He also has an amazing purpose for my baby’s life.
My husband was right. It’ll be okay.