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Draw The Line

After blow-drying for 10 minutes straight, Janet finally had her hair extending about a foot from her head. “People think you’re important if your head looks gigantic,” the old woman thought to herself. Then she grabbed her lipstick and applied layer after layer of the red whale blubber. Next came the eyeliner. After somehow refraining from blinding herself with the pointed pencil once again, she looked in the mirror at her thin eyebrows and sighed.

“How will people know that I’m looking at them incredulously if they can’t detect my raised eyebrow?” she thought, frowning. But then she got an idea. Slowly, she lifted the eyeliner, and drew some wicked sharp lines. “Perfect!” she said, “Just like new.” Then she strutted out of the bathroom in the highest fashion from twenty years ago to drive dangerously to the supermarket.

This must be how it all got started. One elderly woman got the idea then all the other crazy women followed suit. Ladies and gentlemen, there is an extreme peculiarity in our society that I can no longer be silent about: the drawn-on eyebrow. What the heck is this thing? When did people get the idea that you could just draw on your face without working at a rodeo or circus? A grandson or uninterested husband had to be the first one to approve of it. “Yeah, it looks fine how you just drew them on there. Super.”

Maybe I could let it go if it was just the older women. But I see girls my own age walking around looking like Gloria Swanson from Sunset Boulevard. And half the time, these fake eyebrows are about an inch or two higher than where they should be. Are we to believe that these women are in a constant state of surprise, wherever they go? They are always saying, “I’ve never seen that before, or heard of that notion, or seen such a scary vampire!”

What if men did this? Okay, what if normal men did this? It wouldn’t happen. If the idea of eyeliner replacing actual hair is so acceptable, then maybe it can be the new toupee. I’d love to see a bald man eyeliner his whole head. “Hm, Frank must be under less stress these days,” his coworkers might say. Please, please make the madness stop.

By now, you’ve probably caught on to how ridiculous I think drawn-on eyebrows are. And you’re thinking, “How does this objection apply to me, and/or how is it relevant?” Well, I’ll tell you how. To me, a woman replacing her eyebrows with fake ones is the same as a person highlighting their inadequacy at an activity by eagerly pursuing it as though he or she was meant to do it. If I see a person with thin eyebrows, I never notice it. But if they draw big gaudy one’s on, I’m sure to notice. Just the same, I may never know how bad of a dancer you are unless you insist that you will be the next Justin Timberlake. Anytime I hear a butchered song, see a terrible short film, or read an awful poem, I cry a little. OK, I don’t cry, but I feel bad for that person because he believes that this activity is what he was born to do.

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Isn’t that usually how it is? The people who really stink at things are usually the most determined about them as well? And it’s a shame because they have real talent hidden away that is being neglected. God gives us all something to work with. Sometimes it’s difficult to find what it is, but it exists. Some people can hit all the high notes, others can kick a football 50 yards, and still others totally rule at making fajitas. Everybody can do something.

So please, I beg you, don’t pursue things that you are clearly bad at. You’ll end up looking as ridiculous as Janet and her crazy “eyebrows.” And if you’re not sure if you’re doing something that you should quit, ask some friends. Believe me, they are already thinking about telling you.

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