Do you realize that we will probably still be discussing the already infamous and highly annoying Michael Jackson trial this time next year? I honestly am sick of hearing about it already—and it’s hardly begun. Merely thinking about the fact that next February I could still be hearing about Michael Jackson and whether or not he inappropriately likes little boys wreaks havoc on my brain. Now, it doesn’t obsess my thoughts. It’s roughly the same kind of havoc that the thought of a bad hemorrhoid flare-up causes me. In other words, I don’t spend a lot of time thinking about it, but when it does cross my mind, my butt-cheeks clinch.
So, while the rest of the media focuses a great deal of attention on sensationalizing the former King of Pop’s upcoming trial, I thought it would be cool to direct our attention toward some of the world’s good news. I hope that what you read here will lend itself nicely to inspiring all of us with good, happy thoughts rather than thoughts that give our minds and bottoms the heebie-geebies.
I was overjoyed when I heard about this good news. A Slovakian man was stuck inside his car after an avalanche hit and covered his vehicle with thousands of pounds of snow. The young man, who was on holiday at the time, had packed a healthy stash of beer for his getaway. In fact, he had 60 half-liter bottles of Europe’s finest in his car. So, for the sake of survival, the man began to drink as much beer as he could and then proceeded to pee his way toward freedom. You read this correctly. He used his pee to melt the snow and basically urinated his way out of the huge pile. Four days later, rescuers discovered him drunk and staggering along a local highway. I don’t know about you, but I cannot help but think about the mass amount of yellow snow this man produced. One pilot who flew his plane over the monstrous yellow spot said it looked like it could have been bad footage from a Mountain Dew commercial. No doubt, after reading this story, my normal trip to the urinal is somewhat empowered by the thought of possibilities.
So go ahead and do a little dance in celebration of the man who peed his way free! No, really—I’ll wait here while you do your dance.
Another recent news story that will no doubt make everyone other than drag queens think joyous, happy thoughts is the announcement that the final, final, FINAL finale of Cher’s 325-show farewell tour has been set for April 30. Yippee! The manly voiced diva once again says she’s calling it quits. It doesn’t matter that she’s said this three times before—it’s still good news. Would anyone else like to join with me in saying: Enough with the “turning back time,” Cher! Ah, yes, this is certainly information we can all tuck away in the “happy news” folders of our minds. And the next time we hear some bad news from somewhere around the world, we can sit and breathe a sigh of relief and count the fact that “Cher is no longer lip-syncing ‘Believe’ at $100 a seat” as a real blessing.
I also have some good news for those of you who still give Christian music a chance. Let’s face it; most of the Jesus music from 2004 was atrocious. In my opinion, last year was not a very good one for creativity within the Nashville circle. But this year, I believe there’s hope for a rebound. Of course, the Mute Math release hits this summer. And a couple of my close, respected friends say it’s the record to be watching this year. Also, if you’re fans of Jars of Clay or Nichole Nordeman, it will make you happy to know that both artists have new that are unbelievable. Although this news might not make you smile as big as the story about a man who urinated his way out of an avalanche, it should make some of you, at least, grin.
Isn’t a little good news great for the spirit? Here’s some more: Last week I attended a tsunami benefit concert that raised more than $50,000 for victims and their families. Honestly, most of the music was horrible, but the end result was well worth it.
For those of you who might be tempted to criticize my pointless little column about good news because I failed to transition it into a column about the ultimate good news of Jesus, this sentence is for your benefit: Amidst all of the bad news that swarms around us, make sure you share the good stories of life. All of us need to be reminded that good things do happen—they may not always get reported—but they happen nonetheless.