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How To Throw A Kickin’ Super B

Imagine this scenario: your best friend is in green tights atop a stately black steed galloping through your living room alighted with a leathered colonial top hat, ringing a bell and screaming, “The Super Bowl’s-a-comin’, the Super Bowl’s-a-comin’!”

“Who cares?” you say in your best postmodern relativistic monotone voice. That’s right—even if you’re not into football, like me—why should you care about the Super Bowl? The answer? Because you don’t have to care about football to throw a Super Bowl party, and a well-done Super Bowl party can do a lot for you, my friend.

Now that I’ve changed your mind … you say you don’t care about football, but how do you throw a righteous Super Bowl part-ay? Your need has been heard. Here’s my recipe for a truly kickin’ event, for the “I-don’t-care-fan” …

Party Tip #1: Spiritualize Everything

I’m serious about this. Let’s be straight up honest here. You’re not watching the game because you like football. You’re watching it because you want some biblical truth to emerge that you can use: a) in a future sermon, b) in a future Sunday school class or c) to just muse about privately and journal about later on in a book you call Daily Ruminations with the Most High Almighty. Don’t forget to pray during halftime.

Party Tip #2: Don’t Watch the Game, Talk with Your Friends the Entire Time

That’s right. Use the Super Bowl as an excuse to get some people over to your house, turn on the TV and then don’t even watch it, but engross those willing in a thought-provoking philosophical brain romp, not forgetting to bring up the latest tektite excavation and analysis report.

Party Tip #3: Double Dip the Chip

It’s a little unconventional, but hey, so is this entire Super Bowl thing for “I-don’t-care-fans.” You gotta live a little on the wild side right? Ever read John Eldredge’s Wild at Heart? Go ahead, be a little wild. Double dip the chip. And while you’re at it, crack open an O’Douls, or better yet, unzip a virgin daiquiri. This is your chance to do that one thing that’s been tugging at the tail-end of your brain for the better part of the past year and get away with it, because after all, it’s the Super Bowl, and you’re having a kickin’ Super Bowl party.

Party Tip #4: Have a Virtual Party

Log onto www.SuperBowl.com and invite your friends to join you in a discussion room set apart exclusively for Super Bowl-related activities. Start posting away on your discussion board like a crazed sea otter about every play and every down of every quarter, commenting liberally on broadcasters’ hair, the physics of throwing an oval object in a spiral formation through adverse conditions and the profiles of players who you think look like other people you know.

Party Tip #5: Watch for Relevant Commercials

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What’s the Super Bowl without commercials, right? Every commercial has a purpose, a focus and an audience. Think about how specialized that is (talk about being relevant). Form small groups and discuss among yourselves after watching the commercials (this would have to be during the actual game time): Wwhat is the point of commercial x? Was it relevant to today’s culture? Was it relevant to me? Would I use/buy that product/service? Mmhmm … think about it.

From Kick-Off to Calling It Quits

What better way is there to organize the second really big social event of the New Year? Your Super Bowl party is the ticket to social stardom. Just remember, it’s a privilege—so use it or lose it. And one last thing: above all else, you don’t have to care about football to throw your own party.

So there you have it. Who said you had to be left out of all the fun just because you’re not into the Super Bowl? Follow these five party tips and you’re made!

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