It’s that time of year once again—when the air turns crisp, halls get decked with boughs of holly and our crack team of culture hawks predict what the coming 12 months will bring in terms of trends, entertainment news and technology breakthroughs. This kind of flawless insight, folks, is why you buy magazines.
Note: These predictions have a 97.8 percent chance of all being completely accurate.
1. Newly solo Justin Vernon will join the cast of Whale Wars.
In 2013, the Sea Shepherd will recruit the former (and currently aimless) lead singer of Bon Iver to use his majestic falsetto voice to communicate with pods of whales and divert them from the dangers of Japanese whalers. As an unintended consequence, the whales will become incredibly sad while listening to Vernon’s weepy ballads, sparking a global outbreak of aquatic mammal depression.
2. Instagram will develop Instaglasses.
Bored by your eyesight? In 2013, you won’t have to suffer through a single day of anything looking just regular. Combining the technology of Google Glasses and the hip, retro filters of Instagram, Instaglasses will make it look like you live in a Wes Anderson movie.
3. Taco Bell’s Doritos Locos Tacos will inspire other fast-food mash-ups.
White Castle will release “Moon Pie French Fries” that combine the marshmallow gooeyness of a Moon Pie with the tiny, minced onions of White Castle burgers. Not to be outdone, the “Arby’s Oreo”
concoction will spawn a barely edible roast-beef cookie. Have it your way.
4. Clippy, the Microsoft Office Assistant, will marry Siri.
Celebrity weddings have long been the subject of cultural fascination and tabloid fodder, and 2013 will be no different. This year, the celebrity marriage to dominate the pages of Us Weekly and People will be the union of iPhone’s Siri and Microsoft Office’s retired digital assistant, Clippy. Despite an obvious age difference, “Sirippy” (as the couple will become known) will set trends for couples looking for unique children’s names. Weird names. Like “Suri.” And “Apple.”
5. Dubstep will come to church.
Cool worship leaders in edgy churches will abandon their faux hawks and soul patches for long, black-dyed, Skrillex-style hair as they incorporate dubstep into Sunday services. Flag teams will be replaced by glowsticks. People still won’t like dubstep, though.
6. The cancellation of Jersey Shore will spawn a cultural renaissance.
Following the final episode of MTV’s Jersey Shore, America will experience revolutionary breakthroughs in art, design, literature, medicine, diplomacy and science—literally the very next day. No more drunken antics, nightclub brawls or Ed Hardy shirts will be found here.
7. The Whig Party will return.
Following a vitriolic presidential election and a wearying year of negativity, the Whig party will storm into political prominence. But unlike the Whig Party of the 1800s, the key issue of the new Whig Party will be, well, wearing wigs. Since it’s impossible to take yourself or your opponents too seriously while wearing powder wigs, the party will be actually able to work across the aisle and pass legislation.
8. New York’s soda ban will prove just the beginning.
After New York City’s mayor, Michael Bloomberg, banned the sale of sodas larger than 16 ounces, other cities will attempt their own health-promoting laws. St. Louis will ban Slim Jims more than 4 inches in length. In Denver, Dilly Bars given more than a single dip in fudge sauce will become illegal. Meatballs that can’t be eaten in just one bite in Boston will be punishable by three years in prison.
9. Five-toed shoes will be the rage in dress-shoe form.
Women’s shoe designer Christian Louboutin will release a stylish, 6-inch high heel with five-toed design to encourage proper walking form even while attending a formal, black-tie ball. Cole Haan will sell a patent leather five-toed option for men who desire to look good in the board room without sacrificing their ability to jump on the bandwagon of this hilarious fitness trend.
10. Hollywood filmmakers will get desperate for more superheroes.
Hollywood needs more superheroes than actually exist in comic books. In 2013, out of desperation, studios will greenlight films about new heroes like Captain Obvious and Yes Man, before targeting religious viewers with the likes of Sunday School mainstay Bibleman and the ever-virtuous Proverbs 31 Woman. Even breakfast mascot Cap’n Crunch will be featured in a thrilling multi-billion-dollar trilogy about his quest to defeat evil while searching for a cereal replacement that stays crunchy in milk without slicing the roof of your mouth open.
11. Everyone will try to rejoin Myspace but forget how.
After its tumultuous public offering and volatile stock value, in 2013 Facebook will go bankrupt, forcing everyone to try rejoining Myspace—just so they can remember who their friends are. Unfortunately, no one will be able to recall their old passwords, and the migration will prove unsuccessful.
Without social media profiles propelling interaction, people will be forced to rely on uncomfortable conventions like phone calls, face-to-face conversations and social gatherings to keep up with family and friends.
12. Pinterest will eliminate the need for actual retail stores.
In 2012, sites like Pinterest and Etsy helped fuel the DIY revolution, allowing creatives to share their craft and design skills with the wide world. In 2013, the trend will become so popular there will no longer be a need for any kind of retail store. Savvy consumers will use Pinterest to download homemade project instructions for anything they need. Want an acoustic guitar? Don’t worry—someone pinned instructions on how to fashion one from a single piece of mahogany. Looking to buy a new computer? Here’s a simple 400-step guide to constructing one from spare junk lying around your garage. What about a gaudy quilt that’s clearly handmade by an amateur with no design experience? Perfect! Etsy has plenty of them.
13. Vintage trends will get out of control.
In 2013, the term “retro fashion” will take on new meaning as stylish hipsters reach even further back in time for vogue inspiration. We’re talking about the ’60s—the 1860s. Monocles, puffy shirts, petticoats, pocket watches, stove-top hats and canes will become all the rage as trends take a more dignified turn. For women, a parasol and bonnet will complement any smart outfit, along with a hanky to daintily wave at gentleman callers. No self-respecting man will want to be seen without must-have accessories like a fiddle and scepter. And the truly fashionable among us will spare no expense, trading in fixed-gear bicycles for authentic, thoroughbred show ponies.