Things I Would Wait in Line for

Across the United States, gadget dorks are lining up to be among the first to pay buckets of cash for an iPhone, which goes on sale tonight at 6 p.m. Not only are they willing to shell out up to $599 for the Phone That Will Quite Possibly Save the World (TM), but they have no problem camping out on a sidewalk for four days in order to own one a few hours before the non-crazy rest of society.

Now, don’t get me wrong. The iPhone is cool and everything, and its glassy black shiny simplicity attracts me. And according to recent advertising, apparently the one thing missing from my life is the ability to watch that YouTube video of a skateboarding dog on my phone. Because sometimes I just HAVE to see that wacky bulldog, and I absolutely CANNOT WAIT until I get close enough to a computer to get my fix.

But there are very few things in life that would cause me to unroll a sleeping bag on a public sidewalk along with a bunch of other strange people, just so I can be the first to have it. Which begs the question: What few things WOULD justify my becoming a dork-in-line? I’m glad you asked.

1. Bluetooth ear thingy one-way blaster. This product would allow me to transmit my voice into the earpiece of any person — say, within 20 feet of me — who is talking into his little hands-free Bluetooth ear contraption. And what I would secretly say using this device is “Hello, Mr. Bluetooth User. You are sitting in an airport terminal. There is nothing in your hands but a Starbucks cup. You are not driving. You are not typing. You do not need a hands-free device, because your hands are already free. While I and the rest of those around you are thrilled that you closed the deal and successfully up-sold the client, we also think you’re a great big cornball because you’re practically shouting these things into thin air. Also, that’s a really big watch you’re wearing. Thought you should know.”

2. Personal robot maid. Like on the Jetsons. Don’t say that wouldn’t be awesome, because it totally would.

3. Levitation gear. If you can figure out how to design a product that I can wear comfortably, like underwear or socks, and which will allow me to levitate whenever I want, and for however long I want, and how high, and without being all freaky about it like David Blaine, well I will buy that product. I will also help you name it: Floaterwear. And here’s a tip: Make sure the magnetic force field or whatever technology makes the product work won’t get messed up in the wash.

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4. Shape-shifting shoes. I have too many shoes in my closet. A reasonable fix for this problem is to have a certain style of shoe that can change colors to match other items in my wardrobe. For instance, dress-up shoes that can be either black or brown. (Or white, if I’m going out dancin’.) Casual shoes — Chuck Taylors, perhaps — that can be blue or black or red depending on my t-shirt, because fashion is all about matching accessories. Then, all I would need would be a pair of nice shoes, a pair of hipster kicks, some sort of athletic shoes, and a pair of flip-flops. That would free up a lot of closet space, which I then could fill with my new levitation gear.

Those are my ideas. What would you wait in line for?

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