They are cheap three-sided, hand-held “toys” meant to provide a harmless way of managing restlessness. How fun! Right?
You see, the devil is a sneaky enemy willing to use anything to draw naive church goers into the fiery gates of heck (sorry for the strong language, but this is serious): Harry Potter novels; the Smurfs; classic rock records that unveil hidden messages when played backwards; non-Harvest-related Halloween events; that disrespectful little jerk Bart Simpson. These things are popular and, as we all know, if something is popular that mean it is satanic.
Now, the Church has a new subtle enemy ready to deceive lukewarm seeker-friendly types.
Here are five actually serious issues with fidget spinners posing a threat to your flock.
1. It’s pretty hard to raise your hands in worship when they have FIDGET SPINNERS IN THEM!
If there’s one thing that years of attending church has taught us real Christians, it’s that scanning the sanctuary to see who is NOT raising their hands in worship is the easiest way to find out who is backsliding. The second easiest way is to speculate about it with your friends after the service.
2. They aren’t found in the Bible—AT ALL!
Not one time do Jesus or the writers of the Bible even address fidget spinners (we looked.) If they wanted us to be spinning our fidgets, don’t you think they would have said so? Hmmm, makes you think. In this case, err on the side of caution, and assume the they disapproved.
3. Anyone ever noticed how a spinning fidget spinner looks just like a PENTAGRAM?
The black mark of Satan’s horns is clearly visible within the beguiling haze of the fidget spinner’s swirls. The devil’s laughing all the way to the 7/11 counter on this one, marketing his unholy emblem to unsuspecting tweens who simply think they are playing with the new hot toy. SMH.
4. How do we know they don’t use the exact same demon-power OUIJA BOARDS use?
What exactly keeps these little pagan “toys” spinning for so long? You guessed it: demons. Sure, fidget spinner fans say “science” concepts like the “laws of motion,” “inertia” and “centripetal force” are behind the toy’s hypnotic spins. But you know the dangers of believing in “science.”
5. Rob Bell probably uses one.
There’s no way to be sure, but better safe than sorry.
Jesse Carey is a mainstay on the weekly RELEVANT Podcast and member of RELEVANT's executive board. He lives in Virginia Beach with his wife and two kids.