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Midnight Wrestling With God

I feel like I’m missing my destiny. Am I just floating through, not chasing after what God has for me in this life, but instead, just doing what I have to do to just make it? Have I turned into what I always feared? I don’t want to just be someone who fumbled through life and “made it.” I do have a family now, which is a great adventure, but should I be leading them into our grand adventure, together? Is there some great destiny out there for us, where I’m the responsible party who must take the first bold step to set it into motion?

God, give me the strength to follow Your voice where You lead, yet give me the wisdom to know it’s You. I do feel some sort of pressure inside that there must be more.

Is this You, God? I don’t want to rush into something just because I’m anxious and impatient. I believe one must “wait on God,” so I would assume that there would be no driving pressure to do something just because of the fear of a wasted life. Am I looking forward to being able to merely provide for my family and therefore bring a sense of security to my wife and daughter? Would this be satisfactory? Do I want an “adventure” because that’s what the larger-than-life cinema stories have subconsciously instilled in me? Is life supposed to be like that?

All these questions leave me wanting, awake at 1:34 a.m. on a Tuesday morning. Does this drive me to Your throne, God? Does this force me to come to Your feet, wait on Your voice and listen to what You have to say? Does it take all this mental anguish to get to this place of surrender and waiting? Is pride that much of a struggle to lay down? Lord, I see your men throughout the Bible who lived great adventures. Were they aware they were living in a biblical story for the ages, or were they merely doing what they knew at the time? Do they seem great and legendary now that I can look at them from a distant, objective point-of-view? If I were in their skin and their mind, would I find a similar mix of anxiety and dreams that seem too far out of reach?

God, in your kairos time, You see and know all things. Let me always be at Your feet, leaning on You for the revelations You give, in Your time, as You see fit. Help me to know that you reside above and beyond the mundane and frustrating walls that limit my view. I’m forced to trust You, because I am not all-powerful. While this may be difficult at the beginning, I slowly start to see it as less of being forced and more of coming to the realization that my only other option is to rely on my own blindness. Admission of need is so difficult. I know you see the end already. Please take my pride, day by day and dismantle it. Help me to live in the center of Your good and perfect will for my life. Keep me from my own destruction. Lord, you take joy in shaping a life that’s laid before You. Please find me always before You, ready, even when I’m off on another one of my tangents. I am Yours.

I feel significance will be found in a life that’s lived for another, whether it be my God or my family members. Giving yourself away is more rewarding than taking and squandering. The servant life. That’s my new credo. Whoever it may be, I want to serve. As hard as it may be, I want to serve. Lord, this will require a supernatural feat. When someone angers me and gets under my skin, how will I serve? When I just plain don’t feel like it, how will I serve? When someone continues to take from and abuse me with no expression of gratitude, how will I then serve? Only by Your grace. In this alone, will I find significance, then? Will I spend a whole life serving others and showing kindness, grace and selflessness? Will this be my great fulfillment? God, could this be my big moment in the history of the world and mankind, to simply live a life of selflessness? I’m not so sure. It doesn’t seem right. It doesn’t feel right. Who would know? When would some sort of glory come from it all?

Ah, there I go again. Looking for something to take away. Something for me. How will I ever escape this broken record? God, give me grace. So there it is. It’s either me or you, God. How can I do this? I really don’t think it possible. I’m just not able to make it work. How would I not fail somewhere along the way? Isn’t it just too much of an ideal to chase after? Lord, I’m a mess. I’m wearing myself out again, wrestling over this stuff. Well, I rest my case. I’m hopeless without You. I can’t make sense of anything, apart from You. My only meaning comes from You and all I know of You. You’re it. You’ve gone before me, lived this life and walked this earth. You’ve left me with all the tools I need. Just help me stay connected. I need You. I need You. I need You.

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[Sean Kirkland is tired out after all this wrestling. He looks forward to having a relaxing game of Coo with his daughter upon waking from a nap.]

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