Okay, I will just admit it. I am pretty mad at God right now. I feel like I am busting my butt trying to do everything for Him and He keeps taking things away from me and kicking me while I am down.
I have been running on empty for so long now and I am so tired. But I keep trying. I keep putting in the work to follow God … I keep seeking His will and His ways … and it is so hard. So hard when so many things are not going my way. So hard when I am lonely and feeling unloved.
It feels as if I’m so far away from Him. I need Him to remind me that He is bigger than my problems, bigger than me. I have lost sight of Him in the midst of my busyness and sadness and loneliness. I can’t keep following someone I cannot see. The only place I have consistently found God is in nature. I can never deny the presence and power of God when I stand in the midst of His majestic mountains or feel the wind on my face.
When I have a hard day like today, all I need is to step outside. I only need to observe His creation find what I’m looking for—God. I got in my car and started driving. I looked out the window and saw the mountains. They were so far away and they looked so small. For the first time I was struck with the thought … is God so far away to me that He seems small? Is His power diminished in my life? Has He retreated from me? Has He left me to deal with this life all by myself? Does He even care at all?
I was completely broken. I have been longing for God so much and then to feel Him so far was devastating. Despair washed over me. I felt lost. I felt alone. I wondered if this whole journey was worthless. I wondered if God really had a plan for me. I wanted to give up … but instead I just cried. I cried for myself. I cried for the pain I was feeling. I cried for the loneliness and heartbreak. I cried out to God and pleaded with Him to show me a glimpse. I needed to see Him working. I needed to feel His love.
Somehow I got through the rest of the day … don’t ask me how. I felt as if I was wading through quicksand and each step forward took all of my effort. Later that night I went outside into the cold night air to clear my head. I stepped outside and looked up. It was completely dark and I was almost blinded by the stars. I had never seen so many stars … they surrounded me … they enveloped me. The stillness of the air and the brightness of the stars completely overwhelmed me.
This was God. This was MY God. He not only created the stars in the sky, but He was there with me. He was surrounding me. He was so completely powerful I was again broken. But this time I was broken by this glimpse of His vastness. He was not a small God at all … He was huge. He was bigger than anything I could ever imagine.
Were all my problems fixed? Did my pain and sorrow magically disappear? Honestly no.
I still feel the twinge of sadness. I am still unsure of the future. I am still floundering around trying to find my place—trying to feel secure. But one thing I know—God loves me. He is big enough to figure out my future and my life and I trust Him. So I will keep on walking one foot in front of the other. And maybe someday the steps will get easier. Maybe someday I will even start to run.