Do I Want to Know My Calling?

I believe everything happens for a reason. Anyone who has known me long enough, or has had one of those long conversations with me, has heard that at least once, coming out of my mouth.

My friend and I, one night, discussed our desire for an adventure in our lives. Neither of us could imagine sitting on a couch 40 years from now, and realizing that we lived a monotonous life. Not everyone can be an explorer or an astronaut, there has to be those flat, static characters in the world. But neither of us felt destined to be that. This friend of mine recently told me he wanted to join the Peace Corps. He didn’t see it, but my face pretty much melted right onto my lap. He had found his adventure, and he was seriously planning on pursuing it.

A few friends of mine had found their calling elsewhere, as well, in a program called Master’s Commission. They traveled a time zone over to the west, and now belong to a community that is not here, or us. One of my best friends is moving to Australia to attend Hillsong College, to pursue growth in her ministry. With this, I’m not saying they do not love the friends they’ve left here, but they have found themselves pliable enough to stretch across the country, across the world, and find bonds with others.

I’ve always been afraid of change. I fear not liking the place. I fear waking up and realizing that this change wasn’t one of those good ones; that, in fact, it was one of those very, very bad ones. I fear that, when I realize it was one of the bad ones, it becomes even worse because it’s not a bad one that I can at least fix. It is now a permanent change. Yes, change is inevitable. And the only thing that doesn’t change is the fact that everything changes. But it doesn’t mean I like it.

So, for the past few weeks, I’ve been feeling kind of…pointless. I don’t know what my calling is. My friend, who is three years younger than me has found hers. And my other friend, who is four years older than me, has found hers. So either I’m very late, or very desperate, according to these age ranges. And as happy as I am for them, I cannot help but wonder: do I WANT to find my calling? Is that why I cannot seem to find it, because I know that it’ll bring a change into my life? Recently, I’ve felt kind of guilty, because I’ve never felt a huge calling to go overseas and help the poor, feed the hungry, or adopt a child. Everyone and everything has spoken about helping those that are in need, aiding in the AIDS crisis, think about adopting a child, etc. but, as selfish as it may sound, I’ve never really felt a tug in my heart to do that. And I began to wonder: does that make me less of a Christian, because I don’t feel that calling? Should I HAVE to want to move away for two years? Should I HAVE to want to adopt a child instead of want to have my own, knowing there are children out there who will die because they aren’t adopted?

In a movie, there are actors. They are the ones with the standing ovations. They are the ones whose names appear under “cast” in order of appearances. They are the ones who people listen for when the Oscars come around. They are the ones recognized on the magazines. And then there are the stage managers and the camera crew, and the guy who holds the fuzzy microphone above their heads. There are the script editors, and the person who determines which songs make it onto the soundtrack. And they can walk into any old Wal-Mart and not be recognized. But they are still essential for the movie to be released in theaters. Are they any less important? No. are they any MORE important? Definitely not. Without actors, there aren’t movies.

We are called to be the hands of God. But hands are nothing without arms, or legs, or feet, or a heart to supply them with blood, a brain to direct them where they should go. With lungs to provide oxygen.

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While some of us are called to make the huge differences, to impact the world in a tremendous and notable way, or to lead a mega church in a huge city, some of us may also be called to resolve the conflict in the everyday, be it the widow down the street, the children who need a tutor in the local elementary, or the depressed girl who attends church every once in a while. Because honestly, if all of us were pastors and leaders, there’d be no one left to lead

I do not know if my calling is right here in Kissimmee, Florida of if where God wants me is on the other side of the world (which a few friends and I discovered, if we dig straight though, lands us smack dab in the middle of the Indian Ocean). But wherever it is that I am meant to be, I’m learning, bit by bit, day by day, how to open my heart up to it and accept the imminent and inevitable change.

Some people are meant to steer the ship, and some are meant to repair it. One, without the other, is useless.

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