Vote for the New Pastor

Editor’s Note: This story is a follow-up to Clint Heacock’s satirical look at modern church culture titled “Jesus and Preaching Problems.

Thank you all for coming to the meeting tonight.

As you all know, we’ve been two long years without a head pastor, ever since we had to let Pastor Jesus go. You all remember how we voted on that issue. Quite simply it wasn’t working out, either for Him or for us.

But now we are certain that God has answered our prayers! After reviewing the resumes of literally dozens of potential pastors, we have found one that we think could be a great fit for our church. And last week, Pastor John and his family came up here and spent the entire weekend candidating for the job of Senior Pastor. And we are here tonight to cast our vote for or against him.

But before we vote, we wanted to take a few minutes and review the situation, just to refresh your memories of last weekend. Now, handing over the keys of a building worth nearly a million dollars, not to mention the eternal fate of more than 200 adults and children, to a complete stranger, is not something we take lightly. You can’t get to know someone overnight, after all. No, it takes at least a solid weekend in order to build that level of trust.

So if you were here last weekend, you were a part of the full activities we had planned so we could get to know Pastor John and his family. We had a great barbeque on Friday night and another one Saturday. It was a great, informal time to find out about them. Then he preached in both services on Sunday—what a dynamic, powerful message!—which was then followed up by a question-and-answer session Sunday evening. Thank you for attending these events, those of you who did.

For us, the most important issue was this: Can he preach? After all, this is the most important job for a pastor. You’ll remember from Sunday morning that he did a great job preaching from the Word. He preached on “forgiveness” and told us what we should do in light of Jesus’ words from the gospels. This is exactly what we need at this church—someone to unpack the Bible for us in plain language, not like Pastor Jesus and all of His stories that didn’t make any sense.

And if you recall from the Sunday night meeting, someone asked him the important question: “Pastor John, if you were to land this job, what is your vision for how you would grow this church?” Without batting an eye, he had a ready answer: “My job is to preach the Word and to teach you how it applies to your lives.” Talk about confidence! We believe that this was the best—and really only—answer he could have given. After all, a man who has graduated from both Bible college and seminary should be able to teach the Bible, but not everyone can tell people how they should live it. This solid teaching will finally start to grow this church, we believe.

How is this going to happen, you might ask? Well, once he gets hired and starts preaching, that will be the time for all of you to go around to your neighbors’ houses and start inviting them to church, and start inviting your co-workers too. After all, we’ll have a new, dynamic pastor who can really preach! With this strategy, this church will be sure to grow. All you have to do is get ‘em through the doors here and Pastor John will take care of the rest.

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By the way, have you seen the job description for Pastor John? Basically we expect him to put in an average of 50-60 hours a week. He’ll take care of the finances, the building maintenance and grounds, lead several Bible studies throughout the week, preach both services on Sunday and have a new sermon for each Wednesday night service. We also expect him to provide his own cell phone and vehicle and be available for church members throughout the week; basically he’ll be on call 24/7 for all emergencies and problems. He’ll have a week of vacation per year, with an additional week given after five years.

What if there are problems with Pastor John? We want you to know that every member of this church is free to voice concerns. There are several possibilities for this, including e-mails, letters or you can certainly come to one of us leaders. Rest assured: we’ll deal with the issue quickly and discreetly.

And of course, as we’re getting a two-for-one deal here, we expect his wife to be involved in leading several ministries—we need a choir director, for one, and a piano player for church services, and a new Children’s Ministry director. Plus, she can probably head up the Women’s Ministry too. But remember that only he gets the paycheck, as technically we’re only hiring him, not her.

OK everybody, are we ready to vote? All in favor of hiring Pastor John, please raise your right hand …

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