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Jesus and Preaching Problems

Hey, did you hear about the church meeting we had last night about Pastor Jesus? Let me bring you up to speed about it—so you can pray about it, of course.

Was he there? Of course not. Sometimes for the good of everybody, you have to talk about people without them being there. Didn’t you know that? Besides, we’re all in unity about it, and the Bible says that church unity is important. You have to go by the book when it comes to situations like this.

Well, the whole thing is about his sermons. Truth is, we just can’t take it anymore! Haven’t you been frustrated too? Look—don’t you remember, last year when the Pulpit Search Committee hired Pastor Jesus, what we told him we were looking for in a pastor? You know, the job description. Well, we really didn’t have one exactly, you know written out and all, but we let him know pretty much what we wanted. I mean, he should’ve figured it out—it’s not that hard, after all.

We told him we wanted him to preach “real sermons,” the kind of sermons that talk about real-life problems and issues. We’re talking good, solid, expository sermons. You know, the kind of sermons that “unpack” the Bible and explain everything nice and clearly. A main point, with some nice bullet points underneath. And would a little alliteration kill him? A real sermon should have lots of practical applications, too. Otherwise, what good are they anyway?

You know what I’m talking about, don’t you? Exactly. The point is right there, as plain as the nose on your face. Pastor Jesus’ sermons are way off the mark when it comes to that stuff. Don’t you remember some of his “sermons?” Yeah, if you’re like me, you probably slept through most of ‘em anyway.

Actually, you can hardly call most of his ramblings sermons anyway. All the guy does is tell stories, really! You know, at first I have to admit they were kind of interesting. Sure, everybody loves a good story now and then. Every famous preacher uses illustrations, right? But this has gotten ridiculous.

Actually, the real problem is not so much the stories—I think we could handle some of that stuff—it’s that he hardly ever explains what he’s talking about! If anything, he’s gotten even more obscure as time goes on. Just between you and me, everybody in the church I’ve talked to thinks so too. I don’t know what they taught him in seminary. I seriously doubt if he’s even taken a single homiletics class.

Remember the one about the guy sowing seeds, or whatever, in different places, and some different stuff happened to the seeds? The thing of it is, all he did was tell the story, and then he simply walked off the stage. Boom. Never even explained it. I’ll tell you, after all the other stunts he’s pulled, he didn’t get away with that one. Our leadership team went up to him right after and asked him, “Hey Pastor Jesus: What in the world was that about? Rocks? Birds? Seeds? Dirt? What does that have to do with anything? Can you please explain it to us?”

Sounds like a reasonable request, doesn’t it? But you’re not gonna believe what he said. He eventually explained it—but he went off! The first thing out of his mouth was, “But if you don’t understand this story, how are you going to understand the others I’m going to tell?” That says to me—oh great, more stories. That says to me—unteachable attitude. That says to me—we need to do something, but quick.

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Well, just to let you know, we’re tired of it. We’ve had enough. I mean, come on—aren’t you tired of hearing his stories about fish in nets, lamps under a basket, wine and wineskins, mustard seeds and birds, wheat and weeds? I can’t even remember half of ‘em. And I’ll tell you something else—the leadership team is getting pretty tired of having to go up later and ask Pastor Jesus what these stories mean.

Don’t you see, he’s isolating everybody in the church with this stuff! Haven’t you noticed what’s going on around here? We’ve already lost several families. We lost a whole load of people after Jesus preached that freaky sermon about “eating his flesh and drinking his blood” or whatever. I thought it was just a Halloween stunt or something. Turns out it wasn’t a joke.

If this keeps up, there’s going to be nobody left. And the worst thing is, he isn’t at all apologetic about what he’s doing. All he does is say stuff like, “You need to pay attention and understand what I’m saying. If you work at it, and really understand, you’ll understand more. If you don’t engage, what little you do have will be taken away from you.” Talk about an ego trip.

I’ll tell you right now, this whole attitude of his is just plain wrong. I don’t know how he can say such hurtful things. Well, I’m going to tell you straight up—don’t tell anybody I told you this—but pretty quick here, Jesus is going to be looking for his next church.

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