5 Burning Questions We Have About Earth’s Application to the Galactic Federation

On Monday, retired Israeli general and current professor Haim Eshed just sort of casually told reporters information that amounts to the bombshell of the century, if not all time: aliens are real; they’ve made contact; high-level world leaders are in regular communication with them, including a working partnership on a shared Martian base; but the Galactic Federation is not yet ready to admit earthlings to the club. Wait, what? 

Even by the standards of 2020, this is all kind of a lot to take in. Eshed isn’t just some guy. He spent 30 years as the head of Israel’s space security program and is a three-time recipient of Israel’s “Security Award.” Now 87 years old and working as a decorated professor, Eshed said he feels safe disclosing all this information because he’s got nothing to lose.

“If I had come up with what I’m saying today five years ago, I would have been hospitalized,” he told Yediot. “Today, they’re already talking differently. I have nothing to lose. I’ve received my degrees and awards; I am respected in universities abroad, where the trend is also changing.”

What’s more, Eshed says this isn’t a huge secret, claiming President Donald Trump even came close to spilling the beans to humanity at one point until the Galactic Federation talked him down. Eshed says the Federation believes humanity is not yet ready to know the full truth about aliens and we all need a few more years. Granted, after the year we’ve all had here, they’re probably right. A worrying large chunk of humanity isn’t yet ready to accept the science on contagious diseases, so intergalactic travel and and extraterrestrial co-ops might be a stretch.

That being said, the report implied that Trump’s creation of the Space Force, the newest branch of the U.S. Army, is tied to this Galactic Federation which, the Jerusalem Post notes, did not respond to request for comment.

“Did not respond to request for comment.” How do you like that? Not only are earthlings not allowed in the cool space alien club, we can’t even get a text back. Well with all due respect to our fellow journalists over at the Jerusalem Post, we at RELEVANT have our own questions for the Federation.

1. What’s the hold up with the application?

Reading between the lines a little, it sounds like earth’s inclusion in the Federation is tied up in red tape, bureaucracy being an intergalactic constant. We can certainly understand the space aliens taking one look at the last few years of earth history and deciding we aren’t quite ready for prime time, but we ask them to think of all the things we do bring to the table: crepes, Dolly Parton, dolphins, “Zendaya is Meechee,” Ted Lasso, Among Us, so on. What we lack in intellectual heft we more than make up for in entertaining diversions.

2. What does the Galactic Federation do? 

That being said, is the application really worth the hassle? Sometimes these big clubs are just a waste of everyone’s time. Is the Galactic Federation more like the Avengers or more like a book club that meets a few times a year but everyone slowly loses interest? Do you all help squash out threats to the universal order like the Xenomorphs or is it a bunch of talk about trade disputes like in The Phantom Menace. Do you even have “trade”? Do you all even have, like, goods and services? Oh, wait, we’re trying to keep this to five questions.

3. Why did you tell our politicians first? 

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Look, between us, politicians are not necessarily humanity’s best look. They’re definitely not all bad or anything but if you really want to figure out what earth’s all about, they’re not the best place to start.

4. Really, why aren’t we allowed in the Galactic Federation? 

Hate to be a broken record here, but we really deserve some answers. Hopefully, you can understand how hurtful it is to know there’s a giant group of space aliens hanging out without you. You do all have feelings on your home planets? Sorry that we can’t all be perfect but here’s guessing that if we were to peek under the hood of your global communities, there’d be a few skeletons in the closet. And we don’t want to muddy the message here by using too many earthly idioms like “peek under the hood” and “skeletons in the closest” but the important thing here is that the fact that we had to find this out from an octogenarian Israeli professor is rude, bordering on offensive. You know what? If this is the behavior we can expect from the Galactic Federation, maybe we don’t want to be a part of your little group after all.

5. Can you believe The Weeknd didn’t get any Grammy nominations this year? 

Crazy, right?

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