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Punxsutawney Phil Is Facing the Death Penalty

Angered by a prolonged Midwest winter when he was just promised an early spring, an Ohio prosecutor has officially had enough of Punxsutawney Phil and his obnoxious “predictions”. Fed up with the years of inaccurate meteorological forecasts (which honestly, at this point almost just seem completely random), the prosecuting attorney of Butler County, Ohio, has officially filed an indictment against the prophetic groundhog. He claims Phil “purposely, and with prior calculation and design, cause the people to believe that Spring would come early”. The prosecuting attorney’s proposed legal penalty seems just as rational and measured: “the death penalty be implemented to the defendant, Punxsutawney Phil” …

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