Valentine’s Day is tough. Everyone knows this. It can be hard to find that perfect gift that tells the one you love how you really feel. Chocolates are boring. Flowers die within days. And this year, thanks to the pandemic, even a nice night out on the town isn’t really a safe options. What are two lovebirds to do?
Well, don’t ask Kraft. Their idea is to send out a box of their classic mac and cheese (which is, to be clear, a perfect meal) with some sort of pink “candy-flavored” powder in lieu of the usual cheese mix. It’s a great Valentine’s Day gift for anyone looking to tell a boyfriend or girlfriend “it’s over.” Everyone else should stay far away.
This Valentine’s Day, we’re giving 1,000 lucky lovebirds the chance to turn their mac and cheese into sweet, pink #CandyKraftMacAndCheese. To enter and see official rules, visit: https://t.co/4IVysaCuYy. NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. Ends 2/8/2021 pic.twitter.com/gOFvEr6D5Z
— Kraft Macaroni & Cheese (@kraftmacncheese) January 27, 2021
“Oh, but it could be fun!” you say. Fun? Does eating a bowl-full of candy-coated cheese noodles drenched in an uncooked-meat-colored goop look fun to you? You’ve been trapped inside too long. That’s why we need to get that vaccine. Pre-pandemic, most people could at least agree on what is and is not romantic. Now otherwise sane, successful companies are trying to con us into eating melted brain-smothered macaroni. Unbelievable. No wonder Russia is trying to hack the election. They’re clearly trying to save us from themselves and they’re right to do so.
“Maybe I’ll just do it as a joke!” Yeah, maybe. But jokes are no fun when you’re the punchline, and if you’re slopping up Kraft Macaroni and Febreeze then the only laughter you hear is going to be your own, the manifestation of a fragile mind pushed too far by the uncaring cruelty of society, like Joker himself. Come to think of it, maybe this was a cut scene from the Joaquin Phoenix movie, the story of a guy who could have had a normal life except one day he decided to try pink macaroni and cheese and, boom, next you know he’s got green hair, a spooky laugh and a desire to make everyone else as crazy as he is. Except we’ll never be as crazy as he is because we’re too smart to eat pink macaroni and cheese, right? Right?
Kraft is apparently limiting their supply of to 1,000 boxes, which is kind of like a gawky 13-year-old telling his friends that he has “limited” himself to 100 dates with his Canadian supermodel girlfriend. “NO PURCHASE NECESSARY” they proclaim in all caps, as if the social media coordinator was the only one who realized no sane person was going to part with their hard-earned cash in a crumbling economy on the off-chance that this loveless boat of Valentine’s Day misery might give them the cool kind of mutant powers. Three bites of this stuff could conceivably give you the proportionate strength and speed of radioactive roadkill so if that sounds like your kind of gig, cross your fingers and enter the sweepstakes but do not under any circumstances suggest this as a romantic date option, as pink mac and cheese is fit for neither romance nor dates nor, in a sane country, an option.
Tyler Huckabee is RELEVANT's senior editor. He lives in Nashville with his wife, dog and Twitter account.