Horrific River Monster Found in New Jersey

There was a time when you didn’t have to worry about lakes. Oceans had all the nightmare krakens and mysterious eyeballs, but you were relatively safe in landlocked country. Well, that time has obviously passed because what on earth is even going on anymore. Think twice before going for a swim in any New Jersey waterways—or any waterways, as they just happen to be crawling with horrific river monsters that will haunt your nightmares forever. “Experts” say the creature is a “sea lamprey”, an eel-like aquatic animal “commonly found” in rivers throughout the North East; they reiterated it was, despite all evidence to the contrary, definitely not some sort of evil beast unleashed on humanity from a dark corner of an unknown dimension. Nevertheless, here’s yet another reminder to stay on dry ground, safe, far away from sea lampreys/certain death …

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