Tomorrow, January 31, sees the rise of an ultra-rare super blue blood moon. That’s when a super moon, a blue moon, and a blood moon happen all at once. The event promises to literally be earth-shattering, in which the monstrous hordes of the netherrealm rise up through great rents in the landscape and feed on the souls of humankind. It’s going to be a lot of fun.
Now, we’re sure you’re asking: “Woah, a super blue blood moon is certainly a sign of a cosmic collision of human forces and underworld spawn, so what am I to do when it comes to preparing for the apocalypse?” Critical, unavoidable question.
Rest easy (well, don’t actually rest easy, because with all the horrible things about to happen, you should definitely rest in fits and starts so you can keep watch over your house), because we have you covered. Here are all the things you need to do to survive the night’s cataclysmic events.
1. Sprinkle Your Doorways With Holy Water
Listen, we know this can seem like a lot of mumbo-jumbo, but run down to the local cathedral and snag yourself some holy water blessed by a priest. Take it back to your place–don’t spill any!–and sprinkle every doorway (and window sill, why not) with the stuff. Sprinkle a lot. One or two drops might not be enough to stop some of the nastier demon battalions from breaching your defenses and making necklaces out of your family’s eyeballs. Seriously. Best not skimp on the holy H2O.
2. Turn All Your Family Photos Toward the Wall
Did you know that the pus-bloated militants of Hades can see you through your picture frames? It’s true; they’re very sneaky that way. Face all your family portraits toward the wall so you and your loved ones can’t be spied upon by the Dark One’s reconnaissance team. Oh, and don’t forget the one with you and your Grandma Mildred. Turn Grandma Mildred right on around, because on the night of the super blue blood moon, her wrinkled, kindly visage is a portal to the Land of Doom.
3. Buy A Crossbow
Look, now is not the time to draw political lines in the sand regarding firearms (definitely draw crosses in the sand, however—that’s gonna be key). If a hellhound breaches your defenses and goes for your infant child, how are you going to defend against the beast? By praying at it? Nah man, you have to grab your piece and send that thing back to whence it came. Don’t hold it sideways either—that’s a rookie mistake—aim down the sights and squeeze the trigger. Have a cool one-liner ready, too. Some suggestions: See you in hell…not! No herd of pigs this time, sucker. Or, our favorite: God has mercy. I don’t.
4. Burn Your Left Behind Collection
It’s the end of the earth as we know it here. Little things like “power” or “electricity” or “central heating” are going to be totally done-zo by the time the underworld’s black legions come crawling onto your threshold. The only solution is to establish a perimeter of fire around your house, and the best thing you’ll no-doubt have on hand is that mile-high stack of Left Behind books that, if we’re being honest, didn’t exactly help prevent all these blood-moon shenanigans in the first place. Oh, but you thought demons like fire? Nope. That thought is a trick by the devil. Demons hate fire. Light ‘em up.
5. Sacrifice Your Firstborn Son
When push comes to shove, and the evil one’s lieutenants are surrounding everything you love, sometimes you just have to throw ‘em a bone. Take your firstborn son, doesn’t matter if it’s your most favorite, handsomest, brightest, best, most perfect firstborn son of all, and toss him out there as a patsy. It always, always works. Once demons have a taste of a firstborn son, they leave everyone else alone. That’s a supernatural law. Don’t have a firstborn son? Ah, well, in that case, say your prayers. Not much else you can do. Sorry.
Tyler Daswick is a senior writer at Relevant. Follow him on Twitter @tylerdaswick.