Weekly News Roundup: March 2-6


Dow Finishes Below 7,000 for the First Time Since 1997

Just when the economy couldn’t get worse, it somehow did. The Dow dropped to new lows this week, prompting some economists to start bandying about the D-word: Depression. Though the Fed estimates our economic fortunes will turn by mid-year and the government keeps pumping money into bailing out the economy, the stock market doesn’t seem to be listening. With the market sinking lower by the week, any savvy financial adviser would tell you the best investment scheme is to bury your money in a mayonnaise jar in the backyard.

Michael Jackson’s Comeback

The King of Pop—or rather his plasticine doppelganger—has announced a comeback tour in London. The 50-year-old will be playing a series of 10 concerts starting July 8. It’s his first concert series in 12 years, and may be his last. At the press conference announcing the event, Jackson was a bit hedgy, and said that the performances in London would be his "final curtain call." He didn’t, however, specify if he meant for London or forever. Jackson went through a full series of physicals, and was declared healthy and fit to perform(?). We hope they thoroughly checked his knees and ankles to make sure he’s still fit to Moonwalk.

We Almost Got Clobbered by an Asteroid

Missed it by that much! A 200-foot wide chunk of space rock hurtled past the earth on Monday at an altitude of 40,000 miles. That sounds like a long way, but in cosmic terms it’s like dinging your side mirror while backing out of the garage. Had the asteroid hit us, it would have landed in the Pacific near Tahiti with the force of a small nuclear weapon. Once again, not that alarming until you realize that a small nuclear weapon will thoroughly ruin your day. The great news is this: The near collision will happen several more times, because the asteroid is drawn to our planet’s gravitational pull. Hooray! Fortunately, we always have Bruce Willis and a kickin’ Aerosmith soundtrack ready to step in and save the day. And no, we don’t ever get tired of making Armageddon jokes.

U2’s New Super-Spiritual Album Drops

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Rock powerhouses U2 released their new record No Line On the Horizon on Tuesday, and some are calling it their most spiritual work to date. The album has received overwhelmingly positive reviews, with many critics calling it the band’s best work since 1991’s Achtung Baby. Injected into all this is a little drama, as Bono took some unprovoked shots at Coldplay’s Chris Martin in a radio interview last week, calling Martin a "cretin." Who even uses that word anymore? Bono quickly backpedalled, and the row doesn’t seem to have taken the shine off the band’s latest release.

Paul Harvey Dies

Radio pioneer Paul Harvey, best known for his folksy, homespun wisdom and "The Rest of the Story" segments, passed away Saturday at the age of 90. Harvey spent more than seven decades in the radio business, with more than 50 years at ABC radio alone. He started his broadcasting career at the age of 17, and by the end of his career garnered a weekly listening audience of 12 million. Harvey was still broadcasting up to the week before he died, and said, "Retiring is just practicing up to be dead."

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