The Year in Preview

Every year, the editors of RELEVANT combine their collective powers of cultural insight, knowledge of current events, and impeccable sense of style to predict trends that will define the coming year. In the many years we’ve been doing this, we have never been wrong about a single one of them. We present to you, with complete and utter confidence, 10 things that will absolutely happen in the year 2016.

###1. JNCOs and H&M Will Debut a Phat Collaboration

The makers of the awesomely baggy ’90s dungarees will team up with the designers behind the mall’s best-selling skinny jeans for a phat new line of normal-width pants.

###2. iPinkyRings to Shrink Down Bulky Interface of Obsolete Apple Watch

Apple will take the next step in the wearable tech revolution, phasing out the touchscreen watch for the sleeker, even smaller iPinky ring. Wearing the piece of smart jewelry will make answering a phone call literally as easy as lifting a finger—then holding it to your mouth and ear.

###3. Taylor Swift’s BFF Squad will Grow to Include Every Single Person Born in the Year 1989

The ballooning list of individuals that are part of the pop star’s “squad” will soon include every single individual born from Jan. 1, 1989 – Dec. 31, 1989. They will all regularly join her in music videos that will last approximately 75 hours.

###4. The Emoji Bible Translation Will Finally Release

Online Emoji passwords and even an emoji movie are both on the horizon, and in 2016, Bible publishers will reach a new generation with their emoji Bible translation, meticulously adapted for readers who simply don’t have time to process things like words and sentences.

###5. Swagboards Will Become the Primary Form of Human Transportation

All of humanity will come to the realization that short-distance, leisurely paced travel should always involve high levels of swag.

###6. President Donald Trump Will Name Vidal Sassoon the Head of His Bathroom Cabinet

Now ensconced in the American political process, in the coming year, President Donald Trump will begin his process of “making America great again” with the help from his closest political ally—several cans of Vidal Sassoon hair mousse from his bathroom Cabinet.

See Also

###7. Jay-Z Will Release a Surprise Album for that One Guy Still Using Tidal

###8. Having Taken Down the NSA and Ashley Madison, Hacker Activist Groups will Turn Their Attention to People Who Still Aren’t Shooting Videos in Landscape

###9. The Art of Photography Will Simply Become Known as ‘Reverse Selfies’

Outwardly pointing camera lenses will just become novelty items and weird things your grandparents used to own.

###10. Updated, Gritty McGee and Me! Will Join ’90s Sitcom Reboots

In the updated, mocumentary format of the popular ’90s Christian cartoon, McGee will play a troubled former child actor attempting a comeback—while balancing life as an inner-city substitute teacher.

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