RELEVANT Roundtable is when we ask our slate of culture writers a question and compile their responses. This week’s question: Which Kidz Bop song has the cringiest edit?
Tyler Daswick: The Kidz Bop edit of “Uptown Funk” should be taken out to pasture and shot. It’s borderline unethical. They keep lines about GIRLS HITTING YOUR HALLELUJAH exactly the same, but draw the line at “good girls” instead of “hood girls.” So we’re cool with girls hitting your hallelujah (Dear Kidz Bop: Do you know your hallelujah is a part of your body that, when someone hits it, makes you say “Hallelujah?!??!!”), but we’re not cool associating with girls from a poorer socio-economic background? That is some classist garbage right there. The Kidz Bop Kids and their Gen Z elitism can take their cups of water (not liquor) and go right on back to civics class. Don’t bother with the stretch, Julio.
Seth Tower Hurd: Let’s talk about the lack of an edit on “1985.” If you don’t remember Bowling For Soup, consider yourself blessed. The alt-pop band broke through in the early aughts with a song about a mom who still lived mentally in the Reagan years. There’s actually very little editing here, which is weird, since the original lyrics include references to excessive Prozac usage, a lack of sexual partners and “shaking it fast” (changed from, well, you can guess) on Whitesnake’s car.
Lesley Crews: While the KB edit of “Blurred Lines” is pretty awful, their “Thrift Shop” remake is 10/10 the absolute worst thing I’ve ever heard. If the, “what what, what, what” intro isn’t bad enough, wait until you hear the part about, “Probably should’ve washed this, smells like my baseball cleats … EWWWWWWWW (but hey, it was 99 cents!).” Also these kids refuse to “pop” tags, but they’re down to rock them, apparently?
Matt Conner: Asking for the cringiest Kidz Bop song is like asking for the worst way to eat mushrooms (I mean, they’re a fungus). But since I was tasked to go there, the real answer is found on a horrid release entitled Kidz Bop Country: their take on “Life is a Highway.” The whole thing sounds like an electric-wielding elder at a boomer church in deep Texas leveraged his position to play special music and invited the fledgling kids’ ministry to sing along on the chorus. Perhaps the pastor even gave a sermon that morning on “God’s Highway” being the narrow vs. wide gates. Who knows?