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How to Survive Superbowl Sunday if You Couldn’t Care Less About Sports

Super Bowl weekend is upon us, and chances are, you fall into one of two categories: excited or apathetic.

As much as the sport-lover’s passion should be supported, there are those of us who would rather watch the Dillon Panthers (Texas forever) play a game of highly dramatized football than sit through an entire game of NFL football.

Who are we kidding? We’d probably rather watch From Justin to Kelly on repeat for three hours than watch an entire game of football. But, since we all have friends who will drag us, kicking and screaming, to the nearest Super Bowl party, you may need some tips on getting through it. So here are those tips and a few tricks to surviving a Super Bowl party when you don’t give two touchdowns about football.

Try to Drive Separately

Your friends will try to get you to carpool with them, especially if one of them happens to be your roommate. They’ll claim it’s to “save gas” and “be smart with your money.” Don’t fall for it. This is a ploy to make you stay for the entirety of the party. If, for whatever reason, you get duped into sharing a ride, leave late. Spill coffee on their shirt if you have to. Every last minute will make all the difference.

Snacks Are Your Best Friends

When you walk through the door, say your hellos and “thank you for inviting me’s” and then immediately locate the snack bar. You live there now. That is home base. There is no bad party that is incurable with the help of a good snack bar.

You’ll want to start with the warm dishes like cheese dip and those tiny taquitos from Costco. Those get cold quickly and won’t be as enjoyable to partake in after a few hours—not that that will stop you later.

Then, work your way to the more risky or exotic-looking snacks. These are hit-or-miss dishes you don’t want to eat last. You’ll either find one you love or encounter a taste so bad that you’ll want to scrape the taste buds off of your tongue with a potato peeler. Firstly, don’t do that. Secondly, make sure you don’t make a fuss. Someone made that dish, and you don’t want to make any enemies at this party, especially if it happens to be a church party. You only have one enemy, and its name is “football.”

Last, move to the old faithful dishes like chips and salsa or Cheetos Puffs. They are satisfyingly safe bets.

Lean into Your Own Misunderstandings

Calling things by the wrong name with 100 percent confidence is a good way to irk true sports fans. While you don’t want to instigate, this can sometimes provide entertainment to you and other sports fans with a good sense of humor. Then, of course, there’s also live-tweeting.

Warning: If you don’t read the room, this will go from funny to annoying really quickly. And don’t forget, you’re stuck there until your ride leaves.

Pick a Favorite Player

Choose a favorite player early on in the game. It doesn’t really matter which team he’s on. And it can be for any reason at all. Maybe you like how he spells his last name. Or maybe he’s got dreadlocks and you think that’s super cool. Or perhaps he hails from your alma mater.

Whatever the reason, if you have a favorite player, you can at least be emotionally invested in him enough to make the game entertaining. It’s also fun to give your player nicknames.

Find a Like-Minded Apathetic Sports-Watcher

Chances are, there is another poor soul who was pressured into coming here by his or her significant other or BFF (probably now ex-BFF) who you can bond with. Try to do this by halftime. The last half is the hardest, and you’ll want support. Look for these signals and clues that they are uninterested:

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They are glued to their phone
They ask questions like “Who’s playing again?” or “Now, what’s that guy doing?”
They keep calling the football “the old pigskin” or “sport ball”
They keep saying “sports”

Invest in Halftime

While everyone else is taking potty breaks and refilling their cups and bowls, your fun is just beginning. The halftime show is the best part of the Super Bowl. They really pull out all the stops for this. This year, Coldplay, Beyoncé and Bruno Mars are all performing, so start brushing up on their music now.

Learn the Sleepy Bear Maneuver

Halftime is over, all the good snacks are gone, you’ve lost interest in your favorite player, your apathetic buddy convinced his ride to leave early and you’ve dropped all the hints you’re ready to leave but your pal, who suddenly has become your mortal enemy, isn’t getting it.

This trick, known probably just to me as “The Sleepy Bear Maneuver,” is a last Hail Mary effort (sports reference) to leave this party early. There’s only a 50/50 chance it will work, depending on how close the game is and how much your friend cares about the outcome.

Here’s the trick: Find a comfy spot and pretend to fall asleep. With some luck, your friend will feel bad for you and leave early. This won’t be effective unless your friend can see you, so choose your position carefully. If you’re really fed-up, do the whole nodding off while sitting up move. It’s slightly less believable but it will get the point across a little more boldly. And, if your former friend still doesn’t get the hint, at least you can nap through the rest of it.

Recover

You are a Super Bowl party survivor! That wasn’t so bad, was it? OK, yeah, it was bad. But, the good news is these heinous gatherings only happen once year, so rest easy, champ. And go watch some Netflix. You’ve earned it.

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