Female chip eaters, rejoice! Doritos has announced that a new, “lady-friendly” chip is in the works for your soft, delicate mouths that will crunch less and make less of a mess. You know how you’re always biting down on a chip with a crunch that’s liable to send you straight to your fainting couch with a frightful case of the nerves? Now you get to enjoy the soothing sensation of eating a crunch-less chip: a prim, respectable experience for today’s civilized woman.
But wait, you might be thinking. Will these Doritos still require me to lick my fingers after eating them like a common chimneysweep? Fear not. There is no pleasure which Doritos has not had the foresight to remove from your Doritos-eating experience, as Doritos global chief exec Indra Nooyi told the New York Post: “You watch a lot of the young guys eat the chips, they love their Doritos, and they lick their fingers with great glee … Women would love to do the same, but they don’t. They don’t like to crunch too loudly in public. And they don’t lick their fingers.”
Yes, women would love to actually just sit back and enjoy eating chips but for some reason they’ve gotten it into their heads that society would frown upon even this simplest of pleasures. One almost wonders if it could have something to do with the fact that advertisers are forever marketing feminized versions of things to them that discourage women from merely enjoying themselves and instead enforce an artificial cultural norm. But who has time to think about that when you’re enjoying the new lady-friendly crunch-less Doritos. And good news ladies, it’s in a special shape to fit in your lady purse!
Tyler Huckabee is RELEVANT's senior editor. He lives in Nashville with his wife, dog and Twitter account.