Now that Mountain Dew is making its own breakfast drink called Kickstart—marketed as a fizzy alternative to a morning cup of coffee—here are some other ideas for companies to give America what it really wants for breakfast:
Lucky Charms Marshmallow Madness
“But wait,” you say. “Lucky Charms already makes a sugary marshmallow cereal!” Nay. They sell boxes of toasted-oat pieces lightly peppered with sweet, delicious marshmallows. Stop teasing us, Lucky Charms. Give the people what they want: an entire box of marshmallow goodness.
Ben & Jerry’s A.M. Ice Cream
For those who prefer dessert before they start their day, a pint of creamy Ben & Jerry’s is the perfect solution. Considering ice cream is mostly milk—and you can always add fruit—there’s really no reason this can’t constitute a healthy breakfast.
The Denny’s Bacon Plate
Why fool ourselves any longer? We really don’t want those eggs, pancakes or fresh fruit. We eat them out of obligation. Denny’s, we’re going to cut to the chase: Just offer a menu item that’s a massive pile of bacon.
DiGiorno Breakfast Pizza
Imagine waking up to the aroma of a deep-dish collection of bacon, cheese and fresh tomato baked into a massive pancake. That’s essentially what the frozen pizza already is. All the pizza proprietors have to do now is figure out how to market their pizza in a way that makes it acceptable to eat for breakfast.
If the chips taste like a hearty plate of protein-packed eggs and nutritious country ham, your metabolism will be tricked into thinking you just ate a healthy breakfast. It’s just science.