And Now We Are All Just Non-Golden iPhone Having Losers

This morning, you woke up with a beautiful black-and-white iPhone that does exponentially more for you than you could possibly begin to explore. But that was hours ago and, now, you are the very not-proud owner of a relic—the antique equivalent to a tin can on a string—and the service your iPhone (do you dare even call it that anymore) provides to your life is not worth the shame and embarrassment it causes whenever you go outside with it in your possession. That’s because Apple has once again invented a new iPhone—scratch that, two new iPhones—rendering yours a useless piece of trash. The iPhone 5C is the cheaper of the two, comes in a bevy of adorable colors, and is not substantially different from the iPhone 5 (aside from a 4-inch retina display.) But the big reveal was the iPhone 5S, with a brand new camera, a 64-bit chip (promising to be twice as fast as previous phones) and, as expected, a fingerprint sensor for security. Oh, and it comes in gold, in case you want to feel like some sort of king. And you will be a king, compared to everyone else, dealing with their garbage phones, wondering when life got so difficult …

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