How to Stop Worrying So Much

The art of casting all your cares on God.

We've covered this many times around here, but it bears repeating: Don't go into the water. Just don't. You were born on the land, and on the land you belong. The sea belongs to sinister creatures shrouded in murderous intent. Giant crocodiles. Elusive sea dragons. Whatever this thing is. And now great white sharks—the number one reason to not go in the water—are no longer the worst thing about the ocean.

It appears that a 9-foot-long great white named "Shark Alpha" had been tagged by scientists and was doing what sharks do (being horrible) around the coast of Australia when it was suddenly, swiftly, eaten alive by something. Yes—the ocean is not safe for a Great White Shark anymore, and you want to go swim in it? When mystery monsters are eating sharks out there? Get out of town.

The prevailing theory is that Shark Alpha was eaten by the recently discovered giant squid, which is proof that your worst nightmares are mere shadows of the horrors that exist in the waking world. Giant squids have been hypothetical terrors for a long time, but were recently proved to actually exist, to be voracious feeders and, evidently, to happily eat whatever predators they want. All this adds up to a simple lesson: Don't even think about going in the water ... Discuss


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