A day we’ve all feared is now upon us. Kraft Foods has ominously warned that because of a “combination of factors,” America could soon be facing a critical shortage of Velveeta cheese. And with the Super Bowl—the apex of our collective nacho-consumption—just around the corner, cheese-loving consumers are faced with a perfect storm of Velveeta panic. Though it is unclear how many regions are affected by the shortage, riots, mass demonstrations and martial law now appear to be eminent. In a futile effort to quell public outrage, Kraft spokesperson Jody Moore told NBC News, “This is really a short-term issue that’s more noticeable right now given the increased seasonal demand. This is really something that would likely have gone unnoticed at any other time of year.” Her callous words have done nothing but further fuel a combination of rage and fear that threatens to unravel the delicate fabric of social order …
