Military-Trained Assassin Dolphins Not Actually on the Loose, May Still Exist

Technically, we should all be thankful to learn that yesterday's reports of missing Ukrainian dolphin assassins with guns strapped to their heads has turned out to be untrue. And yet, as terrifying as that sounds, wouldn't the world be just a little cooler with the thought of Ukrainian dolphin assassins? Well, wonderful news, because that part of the story remains true: their military has and will continue to use dolphins (in fact, a lot of militaries are.) But none of their dolphins are on the lam. None of this, of course, means that it's safe to go into the water ...

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