Christians Are Not Called to Have Amazing Sex

What Christians need to remember about God's design for sex.

Provoked by Elizabeth Smart’s story, this spring Christians have filled the Internet with discussions about sex—particularly abstinence education—so much that on May 23 the Atlantic posted a summary of these debates in “Why Some Evangelicals Are Trying to Stop Obsessing Over Pre-Marital Sex.”

Although these conversations are evidence that Christians are forming a more candid, holistic and theologically sound discourse about sex, an area that still needs more attention is the far-reaching effects of abstinence rhetoric on marriage.

While the movement is great at detailing— and exaggerating—the benefits of saving sex for marriage, it is dishonest about the challenges abstinence presents to couples who eventually tie the knot.

Jessica Ciencin Henriquez recently detailed how the abstinence movement affected her sex life and marriage in a revealing article titled, “My Virginity Mistake.” Henriquez relays how she pledged herself to Jesus at a purity ceremony at age 14, remained a virgin until she married six years later, and wound up divorced after she and her husband could not make things work in the bedroom.

Looking back, Henriquez states if she had not insisted on waiting for sex until marriage, she could have prevented her divorce. The provocative subtitle of her article reads, “I took an abstinence pledge hoping it would ensure a strong marriage. Instead, it led to a quick divorce.”

Although sex is indeed God’s gift to us, Christians are not directly commanded by God to have great sex.

Henriquez’s story is important because it highlights an issue the abstinence movement rarely acknowledges: sexual incompatibility within marriage. While this issue may seem irrelevant, it is actually fundamental to traditional Christian beliefs about sex. The fact that sexual compatibility does not matter to Christians when choosing a spouse makes the shocking and countercultural statement that sex is not our God. It indicates that we are willing to make a commitment to someone with whom we may be sexually incompatible, with whom we may never have good sex, because the purpose of marriage is not pleasure, but formation.

Our discourse about sex, however, tends to tell another story, a story that elevates sex to an inordinate degree. The abstinence movement, relying primarily on anecdotes, promises the young unmarrieds that if they save sex for marriage, they will have what Claire and Eli call “reward sex.” In other words, sex will be everything they’ve dreamed it would be—electric, erotic, or, as Elisabeth Elliot, who helped initiate the movement with her book Passion and Purity, writes “unspeakably worth the wait.” Not only are these promises incorrect, but they imply that the purpose of abstinence is good sex, not obedience to God and the cultivation of virtue.

This discourse is not confined to the unmarried, however. Once couples say “I do,” for the rest of their lives, they are expected to have good sex and a lot of it. Christian publications are brimming with instructions on these two contradictory principles: sexual compatibility doesn’t matter when selecting a spouse, but after marriage, couples are treated as if having good sex is part-and-parcel of the call to be a Christian. If you aren’t having good sex, you are expected to go to your local Christian bookstore and choose from a variety of titles—ranging from the classic The Act of Marriage by Tim and Beverly LaHaye to the more recent Sheet Music by Dr. Kevin Leman.

In addition to misrepresenting the role of sex in a Christian’s life, this discourse also smacks of an inferiority complex that wants to compete with mainstream culture’s view of sex rather than modeling a rightly ordered sexual ethic to the world. For example, teachings on the Song of Solomon can range from using the book as a modern-day sex manual to a tool of manipulation to get women to acquiesce to inflated views of sex, such as a well-known pastor controversially enjoining women to perform oral sex because "Jesus Christ commands you to do so." These sort of teachings on sex indicate the spurious claim many Christians accept: that the call to be a married Christian includes within it an obligation to become a sex god or goddess.

Although Christians have recently been more honest about the realities of sex, such as Jake and Melissa Kircher, who admit sex is not what it appears in the movies, a celebrity pastor's recent appearance on The View demonstrates that Christians still contend with Hollywood’s version of sex. Barbara Walters opens the segment with an alarming announcement: “It is a gospel you probably thought you would never hear from a man of the church: that the Lord wants married couples to have great sex, to have it often and even experiment in the bedroom.”

While this discourse elevates sex so that it becomes an idol, it also ignores a real problem Henriquez addresses and that is likely to surface in Christian marriages because of our insistence on abstinence. What if, contrary to Elliot’s experience, a couple’s wedding night doesn't seem “worth the wait”?

Bad sex is neither a reason for divorce nor an excuse to stop investing in a marriage.

The Kirchers have astutely suggested couples should expect to be sexually incompatible at first, but what should we say to couples who spend years, or even decades, trying to have good sex without success? How should we respond if a woman, like Henriquez, who obediently saved herself for marriage, finds herself feeling betrayed by the very principle she thought would give her a life of good sex and a happy marriage?

Although sex is indeed God’s gift to us, Christians are not directly commanded by God to have great sex. Couples may find themselves incompatible in the bedroom, and they should not be bombarded with pressure from the Christian community to start having good sex and lots of it. Instead, they should find support and comfort—support that sex is not the only thing that makes a good marriage, and comfort that historically all Christians have been called by God to suffer through numerous trials.

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Christians are, and should be, hopeful people. After all, we believe in the resurrection of the dead, heaven and miracles. Some couples may find themselves miraculously gifted with good sex well after their vows, and books such as the LaHayes’ and Leman’s have helped a lot of people in this area. But in this world we will certainly have trouble. The world and all who dwell in it are imperfect. Sex, too, is bound up with the world’s imperfection. Some couples may spend their whole lives struggling with their physical relationship, and it is deceptive to teach that all Christians will, or are somehow biblically required to, have good sex.

Sexual incompatibility, therefore, is a cross that some couples bear, and Christian communities could lighten this burden if we made an effort to put sex in its rightful place. If sex were viewed as a gift that, like everything else in this world, is marred by sin, it may be easier for couples to accept that bad sex is neither a reason for divorce nor an excuse to stop investing in a marriage. As with other trials, bad sex is an opportunity to rejoice in suffering (1 Peter 4:13) and to be further conformed to the image of Christ (Romans 8:29).

Ultimately, putting sex in its proper place will encourage us to order God’s gifts in the same way that church tradition teaches the ordering of love. All things, including sex, must be loved to the degree that is proper to the thing in question, with nothing superseding the love of God.

Top Comments

Forgiven Wife

5

Forgiven Wife commented…

Although it's true that sex isn't the only thing that makes a good marriage, it *is* one thing that is a defining characteristic of the relationship of marriage and therefore needs to be tended if the marriage is to thrive.

I am concerned when I see comments that diminish the importance of sex in marriage. This makes it too easy for a spouse to justify sexual refusal. There is little that will make a person feel more unloved than when a spouse denies the other access to the only legitimate and moral sexual outlet available. For many, sex is the route to the deepest emotional intimacy that can be found in marriage.

Wayne Dye

1

Wayne Dye commented…

Half right. Waiting for marriage is worth it, and great sex isn't the ultimate goal of marriage. But the author has ignored some important points about Christian marriage. If you make the goal in sex not your own enjoyment but your spouse's, and she does the same, and you are willing to be patient with each other and learn together, you will soon find that sex gets very good indeed. You might also have to get over latent fears of having sex from your single days, and that takes time. The result though is a very long time of enjoying life together, including but not limited to this aspect. At least that has been the experience of my wife and I since we got married 57 years ago.

110 Comments

puritydrivenlife

2

puritydrivenlife commented…

You are right. Love and intimacy are not sex...we men get this confused, we need to focus more on the theology of marriage and the true purpose for sex....a wonderful gift of bonding and expressing unity reflecting Gods love for his bride. Not the meeting of a "need". We men think we NEED sex however I have yet to hear of a man who spontaneously exploded from lack of orgasm. :>

Wayne Dye

1

Wayne Dye commented…

Half right. Waiting for marriage is worth it, and great sex isn't the ultimate goal of marriage. But the author has ignored some important points about Christian marriage. If you make the goal in sex not your own enjoyment but your spouse's, and she does the same, and you are willing to be patient with each other and learn together, you will soon find that sex gets very good indeed. You might also have to get over latent fears of having sex from your single days, and that takes time. The result though is a very long time of enjoying life together, including but not limited to this aspect. At least that has been the experience of my wife and I since we got married 57 years ago.

Justin Clay

1

Justin Clay commented…

To the author, I respect that you are trying to write an article glorifying God. But I believe it is very incorrect. I'm a single man in my early 20s, I have not had a ton of sexual experience, and I am a Christian. Despite the lack of sexual "experience", it doesn't take an expert in sex to know that there are multiple facets to sex - physical, emotional, and of course spiritual. Now the spiritual aspect of sex is reflective of our thankfulness to God for giving us the gift of sex. But if you are having bad sex, then how ignorant would it be to just " accept" that as our struggle that "God put into our life?" Yes, God does put obstacles in our life to make us see that he is perfect, but if you are having a bad sex life, for the sake of your marriage, please do not just accept bad sex. Work on it. See a sex therapist. Surprise your partner with sex. You should want to look at your partner and DESIRE sex. Don't just accept that it's bad. Maybe your husband needs that. I'm a guy, and I sure as heck know that I desire it all the time, and if my wife was just ok with not wanting to have good sex, then to be quite honest with you, that would get me pretty upset. God created it for enjoyment. Go out there and enjoy it!

Kate Sunshine

2

Kate Sunshine commented…

The Bible is not intended to be a sex manual. Too often, Christians equate being a Christian with being sexually pure. They mean that anyone who has sex or sexual contact/relations of any kind outside of a legal marriage is living in sin. This is the rhetoric I grew up hearing from right wing publications who prioritized sexual purity above living holistic, Christ-like lives of love. As someone who grew up bombarded with these messages, I waited until my wedding night to try* to have sex.

I am a Christian, but I can tell you that waiting opens you up to heartache that in many cases cannot be undone. I can also tell you that there is nobody on earth who is sexually pure. Ever. We all think sexual thoughts at one time or another and according to the Bible, these constitute sexual impurity. Sexual purity does not exist, nor does any other kind of purity. We are all sinful, all the time, in many ways.

I would also like to say that there is such a thing as sexual compatibility and incompatibility. This is not related to personality defects. As one person posted, bad sex=unhealthy relationship. Actually, bad sex just =bad sex. Some people's bodies do not work together. If you wait until after you are married to find out that sex is painful, unpleasant and unhappy because there is no attraction, you will find yourself stuck in an unhealthy, miserable, forced, fake and unfulfilled "technical" marriage. What is the difference between being married and living with a room-mate? What is the difference between a friend and a spouse? Sex! If you are not having it, (and trust me, you don't if you are incompatible) then you will fill with resentment and temptation. You will begin to feel broken and unlovable. The fact is, sex is what draws you together with someone. It is how you bond, chemically, physically, spiritually and emotionally. If you are not having sex, your love is an idea (condition of commitment) but not a reality. Love in marriage must be Eros, Agape and Phileo. If you do not have all of these, you will find yourself living with a room-mate.

Sexless marriages are contrary to God's plan of marriage as a reflection of His love for the church. You may be technically married, but you will not be spiritually married. Marriage is permanent. You cannot make a return if the item is defective. Do you want to find out this is your truth when, two years after your wedding night, all medical problems ruled out, you are unable to have sex with your spouse? Now imagine living 40 years or more without having sex. Please consider at least being intimate in some way before marriage. Make sure you really *feel* a connection, desire and intimacy before you marry. Many of us who waited because of purity culture find ourselves silently suffering in our marriages. Many of us will end up divorced, remain sexless or negotiate open marriages. This is not what God wants for you, so please DO NOT BELIEVE THE LIE THAT WAITING UNTIL THE NIGHT AFTER YOU'VE SAID YOUR WEDDING VOWS TO HAVE SEX WILL GUARANTEE YOU SEX (AT ALL) WHETHER GOOD (OR TERRIBLE) WITH YOUR NEW SPOUSE OR THAT THE SEXUAL COMPONENT OF MARRIAGE IS UNIMPORTANT. I do not believe you can have a true, Biblical marriage without sex, as this author seems to surmise.

Sometimes things do get better after a while (as Wayne Dye said was his experience) but sometimes they do not and cannot. Sex is not something you can "practice" yourself into.

Kate Sunshine

2

Kate Sunshine commented…

I would also like to add to my above comment that there is always the option of trying to *make* attraction be there by going to therapy. Unfortunately, issues of sexual incompatibility are far beyond the scope and training of traditional lay counseling (what your pastor gives out for free). You need to visit AASECT therapists at least once a month but most likely 4 times a month if you are serious about trying to make something be there that is not. These sessions cost about $200 each which most insurance companies do not pay for. Your therapist will want you both to see medical professionals to rule out issues and even with insurance, costs can really add up. For example, if you need to visit a physical therapist, your insurance likely will not pay for sexual evaluations and they can also be about $200 each visit. If you are willing to spend $1000 or more every month to try to improve your sexual incompatibility issues, then by all means, wait until marriage to have sex.

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