5 Things I've Learned in 5 Years of Marriage

Five simple lessons from the first half decade.

Only a year and a half into our “fairytale” marriage, there was doubt we would be married another year.

We entered this journey prepared—at least we thought we were prepared. For years prior to our wedding day we both read relationship books like addicts getting their fix. We went through premarital counseling with a well-known church in our area, and we had support from those people closest to us.

But the harsh reality is nothing can prepare you for living with a full length mirror that shows you the snags, flaws and issues you haven’t seen before.

We fought our way through it and last month my wife and I celebrated our 5th anniversary. Each year is better than the one before, and we thank God for the time we have together.

Nothing can prepare you for living with a full length mirror that shows you the snags, flaws and issues you haven’t seen before.


As a tradition, we take time together to reflect on what God has done in our marriage over the previous year. It is a moment of celebration we enjoy together as we recount the pains and joys of our marriage.

After we did so this year, I took some time later to do my own soul searching. What were the truths we’ve discovered about marriage over the past 5 years? I didn’t just search for truth from our relationship, but from the marriages of our friends, family, and acquaintances. Here are a few things I discovered.

1. Nothing Will Make Marriage Easy 

Marriage isn't easy. Everyone knows this to be true, but, like much truth, it doesn't resonate until we experience it. We tend to think that, done right, marriage should be easy. But, the truth is, it takes work. No matter what, it takes work.

It’s not all romantic dates, decorating your dream house and lots of sex. We've had tough arguments. A multitude of tears have been shed because we’ve hurt each other. There were seasons when there was a lot less sleep in the Valentine household, because we could not comprehend the actions of the other. But we've also had seasons where we didn't stop laughing.

Both of us are better individually and as a couple, because we did the hard work of working it out. Ultimately, marriage is tough, but if you commit to each other and work it out, your marriage will be more beautiful than you can imagine.

2. You've Got to Listen.

When we first got married we heard what the other said, but never listened. What I mean is we could both proficiently regurgitate what the other said in a conversation, but it rarely changed our behavior.

Over the past two years we started listening to one another. For the first time ever we listened to dreams and let them sink deep into the fabric of our relationship. We stopped assuming the other person was attempting to pull a fast one and actually listened to their advice.

Listening proved each individual's love towards the other in previously undiscovered ways. When we started listening, every facet of our relationship greatly improved. After all, relationship necessitates communication.

3. Protect Your Time Together.

If you're alive then you're most certainly busy. My wife and I could go weeks without intentional one-on-one time if we allowed ourselves to. Home group, jobs, friends, personal time and mindless entertainment can all get in the way of what's most important—us.

You can't be passive in marriage, because you are a character in the story.

We have found the best rhythm for our house is having one night a week to just hang together at the house with no other distractions, and one date night every week just the two of us. It's a hard schedule to maintain, but we do it because it's vital for the health of our marriage. 

4. Take Fun Seriously

There's some stigma going around marriage that you have to be a "stuffy grown up" who pays bills and works the 9-to-5 career job. While growing up is important, it does not mean you have to be stuffy. You're married, you live with your best friend, and they're hot. Dance, go to theme parks, watch dumb movies, play hide and seek in Ikea, and remember: It is supposed to be fun! 

5. Fairytales Aren't Read, They’re Written.

"And they lived happily ever after." Isn't this what we all want? We all long for the fairytale love story which is always red hot passionate love.

The reality is fairytales are not read, they are written. You can't be passive in marriage, because you are a character in the story. For life to be a fairytale, the characters have to overcome real difficulty in order to develop and achieve the ending they so desire.

You are a character in your own fairytale, so embrace the harsh truth that suffering will come. This suffering is not in vain. It is all leading to the climax when the characters can look back on their hard fought story and bask in the pleasure of their "happily ever after."

9 Comments

Victor LeRoy Moss III

1

Victor LeRoy Moss III commented…

Even though I am very single and enjoy my singleness! :) I can attest from observing all my married friends.....this is true

0

+
Vote up!
-
Vote down!
Brett

110

Brett replied to Victor LeRoy Moss III's comment

ah David, so good, thank-you - I WANT TO PLAY HIDE AND SEEK IN IKEA,,, my beautiful wife Valerie and i have been married 4 years and we can resonate a lot of what you say, especially that it is hard at times and takes a lot of work [and absolutely fun for long periods of time in between all that] but this is such a needed message, especially for people pre marriage i think - dispel the myths and wave the flag solidly... we need more people speaking life into marriage so thank you...

love brett fish

have been collecting a bunch of amazing resources on marriage - mostly stories from friends in good marriages who share strengths on how they keep things real - worth a look: http://brettfish.wordpress.com/2013/10/05/married-people-and-how-to-mayb...

0

+
Vote up!
-
Vote down!
J.J. Carlson

59

J.J. Carlson commented…

Marriage is incredibly hard. I have had moments, too, where I question if we'd be able to make it through. Sometimes I just wish I could understand her better, or she could understand me better. A key to getting through those tough times is respect and empathy. We cannot rely on only our perspective to get us through marriage to another person; we also have to gain perspective from them. Sticking with it more often than not leads to greater satisfaction and deeper love.

0

+
Vote up!
-
Vote down!
Éowyn Lewis

9

Éowyn Lewis replied to J.J. Carlson's comment

Check out "For Men Only" and "For Women Only" by Jeff and Shaunti Feldhahn. Short books that will help you understand each other. Also, books by Dr. John Gottman (7 Principles for Making Marriage Work, especially) are very helpful!

0

+
Vote up!
-
Vote down!
Bethel Place Int'l

26

Bethel Place Int'l commented…

Great Advice Mr. Valentine...with a name like that, how could you go wrong? :)
My husband and I are in our 20th year of marriage and the love we have now, all these years later and 6 kids to show the fruit, feels like I just kind of liked him when we first got married.
What we always remember is we are a three bound cord that can not be quickly broken.
We have been entrusted with each other..we are each others opportunity to show our love, faithfulness, commitment, patience, discipline, etc....and when we love, as God first loved us, we can endure any trial and tribulation.....and what's the old trustworthy saying??...what doesn't kill you makes you stronger? lol
Blessings to Mr. and Mrs. Valentine, may your days to come be sweetened and strengthened by our everlasting Father.

0

+
Vote up!
-
Vote down!
Steve Cornell

201

Steve Cornell commented…

These are good points. I recently asked a couple I married how marriage has been. He said, the first 6 months were great, then the masks came off. I've often taught the dating is too often a process of concealing information that marriage will later reveal. This is why I've been teaching a class for 21 years on how to make the marriage decision one of your best decisions. People must understand that marriage is not about being in love but an agreement to love. It's one thing to be in love; another to love someone for life. I think we need to distinguish two dimensions of love. I discuss them here if interested, http://thinkpoint.wordpress.com/2012/02/05/what-if-i-dont-feel-love-for-...

0

+
Vote up!
-
Vote down!
Walt

1

Walt commented…

After 10 years of marriage, I've come the to conclusion that marriage doesn't HAVE to be hard. Putting your spouse's needs before your own helps a lot.

Besides, compared to parenting, marriage is a breeze.

0

+
Vote up!
-
Vote down!
Bethel Place Int'l

26

Bethel Place Int'l replied to Walt's comment

Walt, I have always read in the Word of God, that children are rewards from God....but then the other day, I saw a bumpersticker that said, "Grandchildren are rewards for not killing your kids!"...so one way or another we get some rewards out of the deal....says a mother of 6. :)

0

+
Vote up!
-
Vote down!
Scott Erickson

1

Scott Erickson replied to Bethel Place Int'l's comment

this is a great post. i just wrote on this today... but having lived 8 years - http://scottericksonart.com/whymarriage/

0

+
Vote up!
-
Vote down!

Please log in or register to comment

Log In