By timothy keller
January 5, 2012
In generations past, there was far less talk about “compatibility” and finding the ideal soul-mate. Today we are looking for someone who accepts us as we are and fulfills our desires, and this creates an unrealistic set of expectations that frustrates both the searchers and the searched for.
In John Tierney’s classic humor article “Picky, Picky, Picky” he tries nobly to get us to laugh at the impossible situation our culture has put us in. He recounts many of the reasons his single friends told him they had given up on their recent relationships:
“She mispronounced ‘Goethe.’” “How could I take him seriously after seeing The Road Less Traveled on his bookshelf?” “If she would just lose seven pounds.” “Sure, he’s a partner, but it’s not a big firm. And he wears those short black socks.” “Well, it started out great ... beautiful face, great body, nice smile. Everything was going fine—until she turned around.” He paused ominously and shook his head. ”... She had dirty elbows.”
In other words, some people in our culture want too much out of a marriage partner. They do not see marriage as two flawed people coming together to create a space of stability, love and consolation, a “haven in a heartless world,” as Christopher Lasch describes it. Rather, they are looking for someone who will accept them as they are, complement their abilities and fulfill their sexual and emotional desires. This will indeed require a woman who is “a novelist/astronaut with a background in fashion modeling,” and the equivalent in a man. A marriage based not on self-denial but on self-fulfillment will require a low- or no-maintenance partner who meets your needs while making almost no claims on you. Simply put—today people are asking far too much in the marriage partner.
You never marry the right person
The Bible explains why the quest for compatibility seems to be so impossible. As a pastor I have spoken to thousands of couples, some working on marriage-seeking, some working on marriage-sustaining and some working on marriage-saving. I’ve heard them say over and over, “Love shouldn’t be this hard, it should come naturally.” In response I always say something like: “Why believe that? Would someone who wants to play professional baseball say, ‘It shouldn’t be so hard to hit a fastball’? Would someone who wants to write the greatest American novel of her generation say, ‘It shouldn’t be hard to create believable characters and compelling narrative’?” The understandable retort is: “But this is not baseball or literature. This is love. Love should just come naturally if two people are compatible, if they are truly soul-mates. “The Christian answer to this is that no two people are compatible. Duke University Ethics professor Stanley Hauerwas has famously made this point:
Destructive to marriage is the self-fulfillment ethic that assumes marriage and the family are primarily institutions of personal fulfillment, necessary for us to become "whole" and happy. The assumption is that there is someone just right for us to marry and that if we look closely enough we will find the right person. This moral assumption overlooks a crucial aspect to marriage. It fails to appreciate the fact that we always marry the wrong person. We never know whom we marry; we just think we do. Or even if we first marry the right person, just give it a while and he or she will change. For marriage, being [the enormous thing it is] means we are not the same person after we have entered it. The primary challenge of marriage is learning how to love and care for the stranger to whom you find yourself married.
Hauerwas gives us the first reason that no two people are compatible for marriage, namely, that marriage profoundly changes us. But there is another reason. Any two people who enter into marriage are spiritually broken by sin, which among other things means to be self-centered—living life incurvatus in se. As author Denis de Rougemont said, “Why should neurotic, selfish, immature people suddenly become angels when they fall in love ... ?” That is why a good marriage is more painfully hard to achieve than athletic or artistic prowess. Raw, natural talent does not enable you to play baseball as a pro or write great literature without enduring discipline and enormous work. Why would it be easy to live lovingly and well with another human being in light of what is profoundly wrong within our human nature? Indeed, many people who have mastered athletics and art have failed miserably at marriage. So the biblical doctrine of sin explains why marriage—more than anything else that is good and important in this fallen world—is so painful and hard.
No false choices
The reason that marriage is so painful and yet wonderful is because it is a reflection of the Gospel, which is painful and wonderful at once. The Gospel is—we are more sinful and flawed in ourselves than we ever dared to believe, and at the very same time we are more loved and accepted in Jesus Christ than we ever dared hope. This is the only kind of relationship that will really transform us. Love without truth is sentimentality; it supports and affirms us but keeps us in denial about our flaws. Truth without love is harshness; it gives us information but in such a way that we cannot really hear it. God’s saving love in Christ, however, is marked by both radical truthfulness about who we are and yet also radical, unconditional commitment to us. The merciful commitment strengthens us to see the truth about ourselves and repent. The conviction and repentance moves us to cling to and rest in God’s mercy and grace.
The hard times of marriage drive us to experience more of this transforming love of God. But a good marriage will also be a place where we experience more of this kind of transforming love at a human level.
Excerpt from THE MEANING OF MARRIAGE © 2011 by Timothy Keller with Kathy Keller. Published by Dutton, A Member of Penguin Group (USA) Inc. Excerpted with permission from the publisher. All Rights Reserved.
451 Comments
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Justina commented…
I do think this is good... but I'm not sure I entirely agree. If I use the baseball analogy... John Smith may be born with a natural ability to throw a ball fast and accurate. His "God given" gift... but, when he gets in a pool of water he might just flail around and sink.
Jack Soandso may have the perfect body for swimming... but when it comes to throwing a baseball he looks like a moron.
These two folks have gifts they are born with. If you try and push John Smith into swimming or Jack Soandso into baseball the results might be disasterous. Now, I'm not saying that either of them couldn't learn the other sport... I'm just saying it would be REALLY, REALLY hard.
On the flip side... this doesn't mean that John Smith doesn't always try harder to be a better pitcher. There's a quote from a cyclist who was asked "does it ever get easier?" His reply, "No... you just go faster."
And, I'll bet that John Smith loves baseball... so the work he puts into it is (most of the time) a joy. But if you forced him (or if he felt pressured into) swimming he'd likely resent all of the hard work he faced.
So, I think of it this way with my husband... If I had married any of the other guys that I thought I liked through my path in life it would have been disastrous. I know this now. How do I know? Because of what I have.
I heard, as I'm sure a ton of people have, that the first year of marriage is sooooooo hard... and the 7th... and this... and that.
But, I can honestly say that none of them have been hard. We haven't fought. I can tell you that there were probably two moments when things weren't "great" but those were super fleeting (and I mean resolved within the hour). And, I really believe that's because of who we both are... and who we both are together.
All that to say, I agree with the article in some regards... but I do think that people make things harder on themselves than need be... but, that's a whole other LONG discussion.
I guess I'm really saying that I do expect it to be easy because I choose it to be. If I use the response from the cyclist to "does it ever get easier?" with the answer of "No, you only go faster" in marriage it's like this to me: Faster doesn't mean harder. When I am cycling and pushing myself it isn't easy... but it isn't hard either. It's just part of the overall process for success. I just accept that in order to reach a certain level I have to do certain things. They may not be as easy as sleeping... or vegging on the couch... but I choose them and as a result I own my choice and I like those steps... I enjoy that process. It feels good at the end of the day to know I pushed myself and did the best I could. Some days I won't and I might feel regret. But, I don't let it get me down... I just keep fighting for the best in my life.
In my marriage it's the same. It hasn't been hard because I just don't think of it that way. When there's an issue it's addressed immediately and I simply think of it as part of the marriage process. Just "part of the job" so to speak. Our minds can do so much damage, is really my point. If I'm constantly thinking something is hard it will eventually wear me down.
If I change my mindset and tell myself, "While this might not be a stroll in the park, it certainly is something I can handle with grace (as you said) and it's certainly something I can handle with a good attitude," then that really does change everything - including the atmosphere in my home.
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FM commented…
A lot of truth in this, but the title is too negative. You can be sure you've married the "right" person if you hear God first. Yes, it's possible to hear Him in your prayer time. He WANTS to guide you. He WANTS to speak to you personally. He WANTS you to hear Him. If you want to be "sure" about marriage, read the book "When God Writes Your Love Story." There is more truth in that book than any article or book ever written on the subject, and it's changing the lives of young adults today!
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Aaron commented…
I agree with Justina and FM above...
I like the general premise of the article. But to say that you will never marry the right person is way to negative and hopeless. It's like saying that we can never be saved because of our sin. The article even contradicts itself in the last paragraph, by saying that the Gospel is great because of God's great love. Just like marriage can be great because of God's love, and our love for each other.
I agree, that there is a not a certain list of stats that can make someone the "right" person. But you find the right person, by finding someone who has the right kind of unconditional love. The same kind of love that God has for us. And you can be someone elses right person, by loving them the same way.
A relationship with God is a story of hope, triumph, joy...
Nobody says it's supposed to be easy, but I think that saying "NEVER" does a great disservice to the power and love of God.
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Anna Seabrook commented…
I think the article raises some really valid points - I have heard people say 'I married the wrong person' and while I have sympathy with anyone who has relationship struggles it sounds like the most massive slur on their spouse. While they are saying they made the action, the subtext is 'They haven't lived up to my expectations'. It is so important that as Christians we do not 'conform to the patterns of this world' and seek God's grace... Why is it easy to apply 'Love our neighbour as ourself' to people we hardly know but not to people we have made a commitment before God to?
I would love to say all my wisdom on relationships comes from the Bible only but to be honest there's a quote from a film that has stayed with me... 'Marriage is picking one person and making it work'. This seems to be an attitude in line with everything God wants for his children and something I hope I will prioritise if I get married. Our wonderful and huge difference from those who don't have God is that we're not alone in 'making it work' and have the ultimate marriage/relationship councillor in our corner.
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Steve Cornell commented…
I often tell couples that it's one thing to be in love another to love someone for a life time! Yes, many people want too much from marriage. They have unrealistic ideas of marital bliss. They’re in love with the idea of being in love until they learn that loving another person requires effort. They fail to see that all married people struggle to some extent to keep their marriages healthy and strong.
But as said here, unrealistic or idealized versions of marriage or of the person you plan to marry will quickly shatter in married life.
When sinners say, “I do” we cannot expect perfection! There are risks involved because there are sinners involved. You will probably get hurt but what you do with the hurt is the important part. The key to marital harmony is not the removal of all conflict (that happens in heaven), but a shared commitment to a reconciling spirit between two people who have been reconciled to God through their Savior, Jesus Christ.
Marriage offers the closest possible relationship of intimacy and companionship we can enjoy. I’ve been married for almost 30 years and for most of those years, I’ve done a lot of marriage counseling. Marriage can be a relationship of mutual encouragement, acceptance and partnership, but sadly good marriages are increasingly rare. Fewer people are willing to apply the intentional commitment and hard work essential for good relationships. Those who want a good marriage without the effort required, set themselves up for the cycle of fantasy, disillusionment and divorce.
It would help many couples to take a closer look at the wedding vows before and after marriage. See: http://thinkpoint.wordpress.com/2012/08/06/to-love-and-to-cherish-accord...
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