I have never had a lasting relationship with a female for more then a month. It is not that I am completely repulsive, annoying or extremely controlling. For as long as I can remember, I have never been lucky enough to fully experience a relationship with the opposite sex that was pleasing to God. Of course I have female friends and have taken them out for dates on occasion but nothing ever truly seems to come from our outings. After being hurt from one broken relationship after another I decided that I was going to give up on dating and enjoy being single. I quickly found myself no longer searching for the male/female relationship described in the Bible but turned to the worlds’ view of how men and women should interact. I was walking with the world instead of God and was finally shown on a long drive home one Sunday afternoon that God had different plans for me.
My senior year of college, sexual desires engulfed my thoughts and life. I lost my virginity, became a stereotypical male womanizer and overall turned my back to God. I never found a woman that could fill the emptiness I felt in my heart. But this did not stop me from pursing multiple “lovers.” At this point in my life I was not spending anytime with God, I did not want anything to do with his word, his life or his plan for me. I was being selfish, plain and simple, only trying to satisfy myself. With God on the backburner I was free to do with my time whatever I want, whether it was drinking, drugs or sex. While I was living the stereotypical “college experience” I found myself becoming depressed, and doubting that I would ever truly find love.
After graduating college I returned home to Hudson, Ohio. I have some of the best friends a guy could ever have, my friends back home would do anything for me. We have shared our most intimate fears but those occasions were often few and far between; while visiting the bar was a regular trend. I got a job bartending, it was the most entertaining job I have ever had but also the worst job for me spiritually. At the bar I had access to whatever I wanted, and I took advantage of this to its fullest. It took me a really long time to realize that I was only striving to satisfy the exterior needs, never realizing that it was something deeper that caused this wanting.
Moving to Indianapolis saved my life. I was heading down a very dark road that would eventually lead to me loosing my faith if I continued on it. Does this mean that I never mess up or fall back into the pitfalls of my past? No, it means that I am willing to learn from my experiences and striving to find a way to eventually live the life of purity that God wants for me. After removing myself from my old settings and throwing myself into a new place I was able to refocus and restart my life. In Galatians 2:20 it says, “I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.” Since rededicating my life to God I am not alone, even when it feels like it God is still there holding me and helping me through.
It took me over 10 years to realize that even though I am trying to live a life for Christ I have never truly believed that I was fully loved by Him. I was driving home from Chicago, I had been drinking all weekend, had engaged in some sexual activities and was truly feeling extremely disappointed in myself when God spoke to me. Not verbally, but He opened my eyes to the fact that the reason I pursued sexual desires was just in search of the feelings of love that I was able to temporarily fulfilled during these encounters. The hole that I was trying to fill with “false love” could only be satisfied by the love found when truly pursuing God.
I have never been successful in keeping a girlfriend, or becoming the leader in a relationship like I should. Unknowingly, I allowed Satan to use these memories in a way to only bring me further away from God. He found a foothold and convinced me that the only way I could happy was to do the things I wanted to, and to avoid the Christian community as much as possible. It took a little over a year, but God eventually showed me that these false thoughts would never truly satisfy the “thing” missing in my life. By fully submitting to God and engulfing myself in His love, I could start to win the fight against sexual temptation and desire.
I took a couple months off from finishing this article; in that time I have been successfully celibate. I have still not found my soul mate, but with everyday I am striving to become the man that she will deserve when our time comes. The temptations of the flesh are constantly knocking at my door, but through accountability with friends and continual prayer, these challenges become easier to cope with.
Remember, God will never put a test in front of you that he knows you cannot pass. May God’s love be with you.
