By Matthew Paul Turner
August 19, 2011
I’ll be honest: Conversations about modesty make me uncomfortable.
I’m a guy. And let’s face it: our Christian “modesty rules” are sexist, putting far more responsibility on females than males. Most of us have grown up in a culture where men (regardless of their body size and shape) walk around on beaches in swim shorts without ever worrying about what they might be causing the female population to think about. Yes, I know—that’s because “men are more visually stimulated than women!”
We say that. But how true is that statement?
Could it be that women also have high standards of what they find visually attractive on men and are more sensitive in how they express that? Or could it be that we’ve grown up in a culture where the male physique—in all of its various levels of glory—isn’t taboo when seen in public?
Seeing a man mostly naked on TV has never been considered pornographic. Even when NYPD Blue showcased a few of their actors’ backsides, people hardly blinked an eye. Most of us thought it was funny. Certainly, in recent decades the male body has become much more sexualized in our culture—movies, advertisements, magazines, sports, modeling, etc. But nobody thinks anything about somebody like Tim Tebow pulling his shirt off in public.
When it comes to women, the modesty discussion has another tone entirely.
For one thing, people’s ideas about what is/isn’t modest vary greatly. One Southern Baptist church’s “godly girl” wearing shorts and a comfortable T-shirt can be a Pentecostal church’s harlot. Women often become labeled by the clothes they wear—or the ones they don’t wear. It’s difficult to talk about modesty without getting way too interested in details and lines and saying, “This is immodest and that is modest.” Modesty rules breed legalism, mean-spiritedness and pride.
Shame, Shame, Shame
Once a month for 12 school years, I watched my female classmates forced to line up in the hallway, one straight line of girls kneeling. As they waited, a teacher would walk by and measure the distance between the floor and the hem of their skirts, then the distance between the lowest point on their blouse and their clavicles. If the distances were too great, they were sent home or forced to wear the school’s official “ugly sweater,” my school’s version of the scarlet letter A.
I had three sisters. I watched all of them kneel in that line. And I have witnessed firsthand how my church’s modesty laws have affected various aspects of their lives, from insecurity, to parenting, to how they interact with other women with different modesty ideals.Our ideas about modesty are mostly Puritanically American. No, there’s nothing fundamentally wrong with that, but we must remember our “modesty” is far more a cultural standard than it is a spiritual one. In a society with a history of making sure that women’s parts were things not to be talked about but rather covered up (for the sake of the male’s eyes/integrity!), is it any wonder our culture has grown into one that worships breasts and bodies as only sexual objects?
Our rules surrounding modesty have longstanding effects for some people. When I was doing research for the book I wrote about sex, I interviewed numerous married Christian women who confessed that sexual intimacy with their husbands was a struggle. They’d been told all their lives that it was a sin to be sexy. And turning that “rule” off when in the bedroom with their husbands was, for some, impossible. Many felt guilty for “feeling sexual.” And I think that’s sad.
The undertone of our definition of “modesty” is shame. Whether the words are ever said aloud or not, how we Christians talk about modesty makes many women feel insecure or shameful about their bodies.
Pornography and Modesty
While we probably don’t want to admit this, the Church is guilty of the same sin as the porn industry: We objectify women.
Sure, it’s different—but how different? The focus is the same—a woman’s body, her breasts. By helping create and maintain a culture that has made a woman’s body taboo, an object not to be looked at, we’ve helped create and maintain a culture’s interest, curiosity and lust for looking at it. Sadly, both sides miss the mark on what is truly modest.
Most modesty teaching sets young girls up to begin objectifying themselves. It creates a platform in their lives where “being objectified”—whether it's by our culture or the Church—is seen as normal, even expected.
If we’re going to offer our daughters lessons about modesty (and I think we should, despite it being a difficult topic to discuss), the conversation shouldn’t come laced with the clause “because we want to serve our Christian brothers!” This reiterates shame and reinforces the idea that men are only interested in a woman’s body. The reason for modesty shouldn’t only be respect for Christian brothers—a lesson that, however subtle, again casts the female as “not quite equal” to man. The reason for modesty should be self-respect.
Maybe we hate conversations about modesty. But let’s have one anyway.
How have you seen modesty teachings rooted in shame impact both men and women? How do you think the Church can start a different modesty discussion?
Matthew Paul Turner is the author of 10 books, including Churched: One Kid’s Journey Toward God Despite a Holy Mess (WaterBrook Press). He also blogs at Jesus Needs New PR and can be found on Twitter. This article originally appeared on his blog and is used by permission.
158 Comments
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unruhka commented…
I'm sure what I am going to say has been said before, at least I would hope it has. I do get sick of modesty being focused on more for women than men. Yes, we should not cause our "brothers" to stumble. That verse is usually applied to dress these days, but it referred to food in 1 Corinthians 8:13. I believe it means that we are to help our brothers and sisters to not stumble. Don't drink a Dr. Pepper in front of a sister who is trying to give up soda for her heath. Don't eat meat in front ofa brotherwho gets sick around it. Don't wear something that reveals the flesh or curves of the body in a way that may cause another to lust (and might I say, may cause the wearer to lust? How many get more "in the mood" to be a little more wild than you know is beneficial when you dress up sexy?). That goes for men and women. I remember when a pastor at my old church used to preach. He would always have a tucked in shirt, and the stage was at the perfect height for a crotch-level view. Let's just say I didn't always have my mind on the message.
When I was courting my now husband, I had to ask him to untuck his shirts. He in turn had to ask me to not wear a particularly form-fitting pair of pants.
It wasn't just a lust thing, though. Sometimes I get a bit traumatized when a man walks by me with a tucked in shirt. I was abused a a child, so it can cause nausea, flashbacks, and anxiety.
So let's say that a man is responsible for his own lust. I see a woman go by with her breasts popping out and her tight jeans showing off her svelte figure. I'm not bisexual, but women can be distracting even for women who are completely straight. I start thinking about how she is objectifying herself. I start thinking about how men are objectifying her. She is probably dressing that way becausea magazine told her it was "hot." I start thinking about how she doesn't even realize she's disrespecting herself and then I wish I looked like her. And I start thinking about sex. Not all particularly in that order. I can't seem to stop staring? Is it my fault or hers? Maybe both? And sometimes, a context may have to be considered.
So instead of thinking about how to not cause our Christian brother to stumble when it comes to clothing, how about we think about how we can honor our Christian brothers and sisters? How we can honor our parents, our sisters, and our brothers, especially those younger who look up to you. ("It would be better for him if a millstone were hung around his neck and he were thrown into the sea, than that he would cause one of these little ones to stumble.") And yes, how we can honor God. Why did I say God last? Because God looks at the heart while man looks at the outward appearance. The reason we are to dress in modesty is for people. The reason we are to act in modesty is for God, and in that, God comes first regardless. After all, God doesn't lust. God was fine looking at the naked forms of Adam and Eve. But sin is a human condition, and therefore we must do all in our power to honor God above all and thenthose around us with our clothing, our speech, our acts.
I wish I could say that I had kept my body for my husband alone. Keep this in mind if you are not married but are not honoring your future husband or wife, please. I implore you. The only hangups I have in the bedroom are from a childhood of abuse that caused me to stumble before I was lead to the Lord, because I know that God made sex, and in the bounds of marriage, it is good. After I came to Christ, I knew that my body was not my own. It belonged to God and it belonged to my husband (though I had not yet met him). I was to honor him, and I didn't. I stumbled so many times, and I regret that. The thing is, I have no reason to seek the approval of men who are not my husband. I am beautiful in the eyes of my husband and in the eyes of God. That is all I need. If a non-brother stumbles when I wear a long skirt and modest blouse, it is not my fault. He needs the Lord. Remember the scriptures say not to cause our "brothers" to stumble. But if a brother stumbles because I went outside in short shorts and a cami that bared all when I leaned over to pick something up is it not partly my responsiblity?Because I was instructed on how to dress? Please don't mistake me. I am in no way saying that rape is a woman's fault if something like that should happen, but I should hope that a brother in Christ would be filled with the Holy Spirit and so would not let Satan lead him there in such a way. Just because someone may be in sin even when we dress modestly, it doesn't give us license to violate God's standards because of men.
Conversely, if a man walks outside without a shirt and cutoff jeans so tight his package is clearly decipherable, it can be distracting to say the least. If a brother did it, I'd be angry. "Doesn't he consider the feelings of his sisters in Christ?" "Doesn't he think that could make a woman uncomfortable?"
Who are we dressing for? What is the purpose of a bikini?
Just one last thing. I was shocked by something I saw here earlier. I'm not judging, but please consider something. If you are married, you made a covenant to love, honor, and cherish that person. Admiring someone else's hot body is not loving or honoring, to either party. It is not cherishing to your spouse, regardless of personal opinions. We are to strive to live by God's standards, not our standards, not the standards of the world. Please love and respect your spouse.
Is it a heart issue? Is it a cultural issue? I don't know. All I know is that it is a God issue.
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Liz commented…
Thanks for posting this. I went to a ridiculously conservative university and would get demerits all the time regarding my clothing...even clothing that I had checked first with the dorm supervisor. It gave me anxiety because I felt so self conscious and that I was being judged as a "loose" woman (because my shirt may have indicated too much that I have a figure...please!). Those who played it safe looked like they just left a mennonite compound. It's amazing the damage something like this can cause for a woman and her perception of how God views His daughters in Christ.
My friends' sister would alert her husband if they were out walking and a women was around wearing "immodest" clothing (as in, "OH! look to the left! Whatever you do, do NOT look to the right!). Now, I might change the chanel if my husband and I are watching tv and a VS commercial comes on butI won't be scrambling to cover my husband's eyes because a woman is nearby in a tank top and shorts.Further, my husband is a grown man and a believer in Christ...I am not responsible to control his environment and his reactions....he is accountable to God.
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Brooke Langman commented…
Thank you so much for writing this! I have thought this all my life, and the shame involved with my body has been a hugefactor inmy eating disorder. I don't want to be an object, I want to disappear.
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Melissa commented…
I agree with every part of this article except for the resolution. Making the reason for modesty "self-respect" still puts the focus on the woman. Even if it's positive, the focus is not on Christ. Anytime that the focal point of an idea or movement in the church is focused on the human and what the human can do, Christ is abated. Women in the church do need self-respect, but as a result of their known identity in Christ and their understanding of His love and His mercy towards them.
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Nate Smith commented…
Great article! I have been thinking about this for a long time. The double standard, especially as someone who struggles with homosexuality.
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