Five Ways 2010 Will Melt Your Face
By Jesse Carey
December 30, 2009
After taking billions of dollars in federal loans from the United States government to save itself from bankruptcy in 2009, in 2010 General Motors will release a car they will tout as “the most innovative breakthrough in automotive design since the Aztek.” GM will promise the vehicle will be “like a BMW met a Boeing 777 and made a baby that was delivered by workers on an assembly line in D-town.” (This statement will be rapped by Eminem).
Unfortunately for the company though, the car looks like a near-exact replica of the car Homer designed in that one episode of The Simpsons. GM will frantically backpedal, saying “by ‘BMW,’ we meant ‘boring motor wagon’ and by ‘777’ we meant the number of pointless features on the car.” Despite its atrocious design, propensity to breakdown and poor fuel-efficiency, it will still far outsell all previous editions of the Chevy Malibu.
2. Don Miller Will Win The 2010 Tour De France
Best-selling author, sought-after speaker and all-around cool guy Don Miller is known for his down-to-earth writing style and intriguing thoughts about faith. But in recent years, the author of the cult favorite book Blue Like Jazz has become a cycling aficionado—he even participated in the Ride:Well cross-country cycling campaign to support clean-water wells in Africa. But in 2010, Miller will take his new two-wheel passion to a whole new level. We confidently predict Don Miller will enter and convincingly win the Tour de France. Maybe it’s the leading-jersey yellow color and bike gear on the cover of his latest book or those cool European baseball caps he’s now wearing, but something tells us he plans on giving Lance Armstrong a run for his money.
3. Lil’ Wayne Will Have an Existential Meltdown
Having come off a landmark year in 2009 and reaching new levels of success as a rapper, rocker, performer, sports blogger, producer and, um, convicted criminal, hip-hop phenom Lil’ Wayne (aka Weezy, aka Young Money, aka Tha Carter) will have a complete existential meltdown in 2010. After rising to the top of the pop-music, underground hip-hop and rock charts, the multi-talented performer will be forced to answer the question, “Just who is Lil’ Wayne?”
Weezy will retreat to an isolated cabin in the wooded countryside of Concord, Mass., where he will ponder his own self-identity versus his Hot Boyz persona, the simple complexities of singles like “A Milli,” and the struggle of the human condition juxtaposed against the changing seasons and the subtle rhythms of the natural world. The experience will be distilled in his first classical record, On Waldeneezy Pond: Reflections.
4. KFC Will Release the Best Thing Since Sliced Bread
In late 2009, KFC did what many thought was impossible: created a product more deadly than its 10-layer bowl of deep-fried side items. The release of the Double-Down, which contained two slices of bacon and two types of cheese, forgoing slices of bread for two pieces of deep fried chicken meat, immediately raised the national obesity rate to the highest numbers in history, and wreaked complete havoc on local plumbing systems. Even though just one partaking of the Double-Down poses significant physical and psychological health risks, the latest innovation from Colonel Cardiac will become a full-on national craze next year. The product will become so popular that in 2010, bakeries across the country will close down as bread falls completely off the food pyramid and American eating habits favor extra-crispy fried chicken opposed to anything based on wheat, grain or natural substances.
5. Fantasy Sports Will Reach Even Larger Audiences Through Fantasy Bass Fishing And Fantasy Professional Bowling
In 2009, the participation in Fantasy Sports reached new heights. Even Time magazine noted the popularity of the activity that allows office workers, students and even celebrities to manage fake baseball, football and basketball teams in leagues made up of their friends and co-workers. But in 2010, we predict Fantasy Sports will find a new audience far south of the Mason-Dixon line with the advent of Fantasy tournaments involving some of America’s lesser-known professional sports. Fantasy Bass Fishing, Bowling and Funny Car leagues will sweep the Deep South. Once only the domain of truckers, insomniacs and generally downtrodden diners, Denny’s Restaurants will redefine themselves as the sports hub of the South—the site of massive draft parties, weekly watching events and pancake-fueled blockbuster trades. The craze will become so prominent, even citizens in America’s neighbor to the north will launch their own series of Fantasy Curling, Hiking and Biathlon leagues as Fantasy Sports take over Canada.