This article is from Issue 55: Jan/Feb 2012

A Field Guide to the End of the World

If we learned anything from the film 2012 (and there are many things we learned, like “John Cusack no longer makes good movies”), it’s that the world will end this year. Fortunately for you, we’re here to help. The following is a step-by-step guide (in full-on, choose-your-own-adventure style) for making it through the apocalypse alive and/or with your soul intact.

LET'S BEGIN
FIRST, WHAT'S HAPPENING AROUND YOU?

Did the Kingdom of Heaven come down to Earth, making all things new and God is now on the throne? If so, go to 01.

Have millions of people simply disappeared? If so, go to 02.

Is Woody Harrelson driving by in an RV? If so, go to 03.

Has the last bit of time been marked by a worldwide turn to Christian ethics? If so, go to 04.

Has there been a rash of smart monkeys lately? If so, go to 05.

Have you seen anything on the news about “patient zero” and/or Gwyneth Paltrow dying of a mysterious disease after a trip to Macau? If so, go to 06.

01

The amillennialists were right! The world has been renewed and everything is perfect. Enjoy eternity! The End.

02

Are you a Christian? If yes, go to 14. If no, go to 15.

03

You are likely living in a real-life version of 2012. Meaning, the Mayans were right. Are you extremely wealthy? To the point where you can afford to spend approximately $1.25 billion to be rescued from the coming weather-related apocalypse? If yes, go to 7. If no, go to 13.

04

You may be living in a postmillennial society. But it’s likely a temporary lull. Has the world grown so peaceful that there is no longer a demand for 24-hour cable news channels? If yes, go to 37. If no, go to 38.

05

Who have humans turned to for help fending off the increasingly hostile army of smart monkeys? If James Franco, go to 24. If Jane Goodall, go to 25. If “Bubbles” (Michael Jackson’s beloved pet chimp), go to 26.