The decade (what are we calling it? Is this the “tens”?) started with a whimper, not a bang. Instead of being the year of flying cars or when we finally got a hoverboard, it was the year unemployment kinda stayed the same, Apple continued slowly turning into Microsoft circa 1996 and Dancing with the Stars was inexplicably the number-one show in America. But fear not: 2011 is here, and we are prepared to make some exciting predictions. These 11 predictions might not make for the most comfortable year, but it sure won’t be a boring one—and they will come true. In fact, we guarantee* it.
01 Indie Rocker Sufjan Stevens Releases an Album Entirely Composed of Vuvuzelas
After releasing an EP and an album of experimental electronic music at the end of 2010, Sufjan Stevens will continue to expand his musical horizons by releasing a new record exclusively using vuvuzelas in 2011. Titled simply Bzzzzzzzz, the album will consist of 64 minutes of atonal vuvuzela blaring, accompanied by some of Stevens’ most painfully personal songwriting yet. Tracks such as “Seriously, the State Project Was a Joke, Stop Bugging Me” and “Sorry Age of Adz Wasn’t ‘Precious’ Enough for Your Mom” take on a biting tone as Stevens’ strained tenor flits over and through the vuvuzelas’ hypnotic drone. Naturally, the album will go triple-platinum.
02 Following the Jersey Shore Lead, Christians Start Naming body Parts
Much like the reality show itself, the formula Jersey Shore star Michael Sorrentino has used to achieve stardom is relatively simple. Take the most prolific part of your body (in Sorrentino’s case, his abs), apply a clever, if not bizarre, nickname (The Situation) and laugh all the way to the bank. In 2011, don’t be surprised if you see a few high-profile Christians following The Situation’s lead in hopes of cashing in on their own unique body parts. Some of the year’s best will include Donald Miller naming his fingers “The Jazzmakers,” Jon Acuff dubbing his unibrow “The Singularity” and Joel Osteen referring to his smile as “The Brilliance.