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This article is from Issue 54: Nov/Dec 2011

John Cusack Will Be Wrong

And 10 more predictions for 2012.

As 2011 nears its end, it’s time to look ahead to a year holding a lot of possibility. Not just elections, sporting events and even more disappointing superhero movies but also the predicted end of the world, thanks to those pesky Mayans.

Looking ahead is serious business, though, and as always, we’ve taken it upon ourselves to provide you with a scintillating glance of the year to come. Our crack research team tells us it’s 100 percent certain these events will happen. So grab your popcorn and lemonade (see #2), and get ready for RELEVANT’s absolutely, positively guaranteed-to-happen predictions for 2012.

1 THE LONDON OLYMPICS DEBUTS NEW EVENTS

On July 22, London will host the “Games of the XXX Olympiad” (we’re pretty sure those are Roman numerals, or else this Olympics is going to be way more NSFW than normal). After rejecting some proposed new events this past summer—including “Looting” and “Feigned Moral Outrage in Order to Cast Aside Attention from a Crazy Phone Hacking Scandal”—the British Olympic committee has approved two new events for this summer’s games. After noticing the popularity of planking, owling and horsemaning, the committee decided to put their own spin on things with the new sport of Perching, in which competitors
stand still on one foot and attempt to outlast one another. Points are deducted for wobbling or hopping. Not a particularly engaging sport, until you see you see the course—let’s just say there are a lot of spinning discs. The second—and perhaps more potentially popular—event is based on the worldwide TV phenomenon Wipeout. But since it’s the Olympics, the “fundangerous” obstacles of Wipeout will be replaced with real dangers, like crocodiles and swinging battle-axes.